I am a recovered self harmer. I have scars all over me. My arms, my legs, my stomach are all covered with scars. I have the word "whore" scarred into my arm. This is not easy for me to admit but I think being truthful and transparent is what helps people connect and overcome their own issues. People self harm for many reasons. Self harm for me was a release of intense emotion I felt I could not otherwise express. It was also a self punishment. Mostly though, it was protection for me. I felt like if I had all of these ugly scars and ugly words on my body, no one would hurt me, they would not get close enough. The same goes for the weight gain. I used food to comfort me and then I used the result of eating too much food to protect myself.
I was hurt as a child. Not fall off a bike hurt (which I am sure I did but that's not where all of this came from). I endured years of suffering (details not really needed but just suffice to say that innocence was stolen and scars were burned into my soul) until I was 21. The pain and suffering I endured supressed the life almost completely out of me. I lived in a very dark and lonely place that no one was really allowed to break into. I sheltered the child inside of me with food and fat and punished her when she messed up or tried to reach out and connect.
Then several things happened in my life to begin some positive changes. First, my parents became huge supporters of mine. When all of the pain that I was going through came to light, it was very difficult for them to hear. But, they did not turn away from me or put me aside. They held my hand through the hard times, cried with me, encouraged me, educated themselves and have supported me the best they know how. Then I met Sarah and Brennah came into my life. I do not think I can even begin to explain all that Sarah has done for me. But she has loved me through it all. We've never gotten the opportunity to say vows to each other, but she is a rock. She believed in me for me when I could not. She never stood beside me. She stood in the deepest depths with me and never left me to deal alone. Then my beautiful Brennah. The sunshine she brought into my life. I never thought I would be blessed with that kind of sunshine but there she was. The first time I held her, I loved her and I knew my life mattered with her in it. I wanted, and still want, to be the best I can be for her. Then a year ago, my dad made a decision that effected my life dramatically. He was put on a diet, a liquid diet. Now, if you know my dad, you know he likes to eat!! I thought, if he can do this liquid diet, I am going to support him and start losing weight too. So, I started too. I lost weight and went to the gym but I wasn't completely commited. Then the holidays came and I pretty much put it all back on. January came and along with every other person I thought, this is the year. This is the year I lose it all and get healthy. So, I started again. I went to the gym, started Zumba and started eating better. I lost 30lbs by April. April 3 came and my sweet grandma died. I do not know what happened that day, but man, I just refocussed everything after that. I let go of a lot of guilt. I began to retrain my brain to think in a positive manner. I have lost 70lbs since then and 100lbs in all since January. I live life in a manner I was always so cynical about. I live a life where I choose feelings and they don't rule me. Believe me when I say, I understand how feelings can drive our lives, but we are powerful people and get to choose what we do with our feelings. Things happen and they hurt and it can feel like we are going to drown and we can choose to hold onto that or we can dwell on it for a bit and then make another choice. Things hurrrrrrt sometimes and make us sad and we need a good cry. Goodness sakes, let yourself cry. Then, make a healthy choice. Buy yourself some flowers or go for a walk, get a massage, anything...listen to music. Have a 30 minute pity party and then it's time to come out of it and do something else. With everything I've been through, I deserve the pity party if I want, but by goodness I am not doing it. I want more and I deserve more. I still have scars, inside and out, but they aren't a part of me anymore. The fat is going away and I am open to people. I am open to learning about you, getting to know you and find out how I can be a positive part of your world. I do not need protection with fat and scars anymore. I am strong, capable and can do ANYTHING I want to and