You will always know where I stand. You will always know who I am. I will not hide behind anything. It is difficult to be transparent but I feel it is necessary. Those things kept in darkness eventually rear their ugly heads and then the truth is out there for all to see and the image you created to hide the things you are most ashamed of are out there for everyone to see. Am I comfortable with people knowing some things...absolutely not. However, I feel like if I put out there all these positive comments and never put out there honest living, I am lying.Do I like the fact people know I was abused? Nope, I sure don't. Do I take pride in the fact people know I used to self harm? Nope...lots of people do it...some over eat, some under eat...some are addicted to processed food...some smoke...some drink too much...on and on and on...my scars are just more visible. Do I like the fact people know I have a mental health history? No. Does it make me a bad person because of it....no. Do some people think it does? Yes. Do I care....honestly, yes. However, every person, whether they will admit it or not, have at least one thing in their past they are not proud of. But that does not mean that person does not deserve respect and a voice in this world. So what if you aren't perfect. So what if you cannot control everything around you to make everything look just like you think everyone wants it to look. So what if so and so likes you or wants to be around you. The best thing you can do for you is be you and embrace you and love you!! It is not an easy fit and some mornings I do struggle to look in the mirror and smile and say thank you but I do it. I have had problems...I still have problems sometimes...but I have figured out that hiding them and not addressing them makes things worse not better. I am passionate and I have a deep care for people because I have experienced pain and hiding that takes away what I can offer to support someone else. Don't hide. Don't cower. Take baby steps if you have to. But be true. I was a brat....horrible to my parents...bullied my brother....bullied a few peers...I drank too much...exercised too much...eventually slept too much...ate too much...spent too much....harmed myself too much....was in too much darkness....HAD NO BALANCE in my life. But that is who I was then....it isn't who I am now. But I can use those experiences then to hold your hand when you are experiencing similar struggles. I am not afraid to say I make mistakes and I am not perfect but I am also not afraid to accept you and support you when you make mistakes and maybe struggling to put one foot
Have you ever known someone who just seems to have a dark cloud over their head? Everytime this person speaks it is like thunder crashes and lightening strikes. Have you ever looked at someone and just their countenance is just sad? I want to tell you a story about someone I know who fit this description.
This girl had a friend that called her "grey girl.." One time she sat in a room with cuts up and down her arms, her legs and even on her stomach. She had quit eating and had carved the word HATED on her arm. This girl had favorite words like: can't, tired, exhausted but also a LOT of silence. No friends, because she had pushed them all away. No future because she didn't feel she deserved one. No reason to live just waiting to die because she didn't feel worthy or capable. She sat in an observation room...locked in...scared...alone....no more tears to cry....flashes of abuse endured filled her mind with reasons not to go on......thinking of ways to end her life with the sheets on her bed.
I am sure you figured out this girl was me. My world was so dark. My life was filled with can'ts. My worth was...well, I felt I had none. I want to scream at people sometimes and say......I UNDERSTAND!! I KNOW WHAT DARKNESS IS!! I know people read my posts and think, "she has no idea what I've been through," or "ugh....she doesn't live in reality." But I do. I know what it is like to be in a complete world of darkness and not know how to get yourself out of it. I know how it feels to feel completely worthless, incapable, unworthy, defeated, and all of those negative feelings and words.
I made a choice though. I started with small steps. It happened over time. I had to make a big goal and then make small sustainable changes. Not just with weight loss but with everything. It started with a fake it until you make it. People like to throw around being fake. But sometimes, you have to fool yourself a little and there is no shame in that!! Then, one day I realized, I have worth...I believed what I was telling myself. I give myself challenges...small ones if they have to be....and then one day, it is a complete change. Sometimes thoughts try to creep back in there and sabotage but now, I have built defenses and have surrounded myself with positive people. I speak up for myself because I am worth it. I do my best to stay out of drama and be an encourager and a good listener. I want deep within myself to change people's lives. I want to take responsibility for myself, my life and my family. These are all things I never would have said 2 years ago. I have chosen not to live as a victim but a victor. Life is about choices. We can make excuses or we can make choices. We can feed or fears or we can feed our souls. I am full of life and love and feel grateful and want to pass it around to those around me. I am sincere and grateful and I am no longer grey girl : ) Thanks for reading and thanks for loving me!!
Ok, so I have a few OCD tendencies and I am totally ok with that. However, since I have lost weight, I have really had to work to change a few of those tendencies. One of them, which may be a little bit tmi, is the bathroom stall I am willing to use in a public restroom. In the past, before lost my weight, the only stall I would use would be the handicap. I didn't feel like there was enough room in the "normal" stalls. Seriously, turning around in a small stall could have been counted as an Olympic event for me. I never thought of myself as "handicap," just too big to be comfortable in a small stall. Anyway, the other day, I went to the bathroom in Walmart......seriously, I have to just start my Walmart trip with a bathroom trip no matter if I go before I leave home or not. So, I go in and there is absolutely no one in there but the first place I head to is the handicap bathroom stall. Then, I stopped myself and thought, I don't have to go in there. I think I will probably be comfortable in any of these stalls. So, I went into a regular stall. Now, this may sound like a post of tmi at this juncture, but I do have a point. That point is, even though my outside is changing, I have to really focus on changing my mind, or my inside. I have had to do a lot of work on my brain, not just my body. There is no lasting changes that can be sustained unless the root of the problem is addressed. And for weight issues, most of the time, the root of the problem is deeper than just, "I like to eat." People ask me all of the time, how I lose weight and how I've changed my attitude. I admit, in the beginning, the best I could do was take it a minute at a time using all of the will power I could muster. But that will power will come and go. You have to be prepared with readying your mind. Assessing why you think you need food is a big part of addressing food issues. I constantly ask myself, am I hungry? Do I need food to fuel my body or to fill an emotional hunger? Am I using food in place of love or in place of some other need that isn't met? As far as my attitude....well, it just feels much better to be happy than it does to feel like crap. I was talking to a friend the other day and I said, you know....I used to just sit in a big pile of crap all the time and I just tried to spread the crap around...but then I would be upset when no one really wanted to be around me. Well who the heck would? I made a decision to see what it would be like to not sit or dwell on the crap anymore. I made a decision to see what it would be like to not live to show off my pain but to live in spite of it and touch lives in a more positive way. Now, I make that decision everyday. Do I want to live grateful or do I want to live like an Eeyore? I had to make the decision to change my mind. Is it easy?? No way!! Is it worth it? Absolutely!! If it were easy, then every single person would be doing it. However, I fully believe it is possible for anyone. Don't live to share your pain or show off your anger....change your mind,...change yourself...and change your world!! Peace and Love to all of you!!