So, it has come to my attention that I may need to clarify something about my last post. K and A in my post were both very significant parts of my life and we connected in our souls that is rare to get once, much less twice. However, we connected in a way that some sisters are connected. Sarah and I are connected on a deeper level and my heart bubbles over when trying to explain my relationship with her to others. We met at work. It was a difficult job where our relationship really had to be kept quiet and eventually caused me to lose my job. I was not healthy at the time we met but when our eyes met for the first time, my heart fell into my stomach. I had been at my job for a few weeks and I was sitting in my office when I saw this girl, bouncing down the hallway with a huge grin on her face. She poked her head in my office looking for the other case manager. She said in a sassy voice, "Who are you?" And I looked at her with insulted eyes and said, "I'm Melissa, who are you?" Inside though, my heart skipped. I knew she and I would be spending a lot of time together from that point on. We connected immediately. I never had to grow to love Sarah. I did have to get past my own fears and my own insecurities to accept her love and give her the love that she deserves. I caused pain for her but I love that I get to spend the rest of my life making up for it and loving her just as much as she loves me. I adore Sarah. Our lives were meant to intertwine. The connection and the understanding we have with each other runs deeper than the greatest depths of the ocean. She has held me up when I thought no one even cared to, she has been angry for me and sad for me when I didn't have one more tear to cry....she showers me with love and adoration in ways I never comprehended I deserved. She believed in me when I could not muster the strength. I cannot understand this love she gives me, but I gratefully accept it and hope she feels me giving it back to her. I know people have religious reasons for believing our love is wrong or "an abomination," but I honestly do not see how this can be an abomination. I could get into translations and greek meanings to defend our love, but the only thing that I want people to understand is that we are two people who have fallen in love and love each other with our complete lives. This world is full of enough hatered and disregard for others, I only want to advocate love. I Love Her and She is Definitely IT!! Tell the ones you love that you love them and never let a day go by where they feel insignificant or worthless.
Life sometimes brings us to a point where it is important to reflect and attempt to right some wrongs. I have made it no secret that, mostly due to abuse and supressing my true self, I have suffered and endured mental illness along this life's road. Severe mental illness truly takes a hold on a person's life. It can darken your soul to the point that there really seems no way out. While enduring this, the person with the mental illness tends to take casualities along with them. I know I certainly did a lot of damage, some unfortunately irreversable.
K -- you are the first person I would like to openly and in as public as this forum is (or isn't, I guess) apologize to. You and I had kindred spirits from the first moment we met. You saw things in my soul that no one had ever seen or at least acknowledged to me before. You held my hand through some of the darkest times in my life. You were there when my dreams fell to pieces, worrying and loving me even as I caused you pain. We no longer speak because of the pain I caused. I understand, I really do. I understand that you must protect yourself from the "gray girl" who spiraled out of control and then left you holding your heart in your hand. I am sorry...so very very sorry. Today, I was thinking of you and wondering how life has gone for you. I am sending out energy to you my friend and am grateful for the times we had together, the road trips we took, the singing in your car and just sitting with you.
A -- I don't even know where to begin with you, A. You literally saved my life. I met you in one of the most beautiful places in this country. You and I had souls that were drawn to each other the instant we met. I met you and I began to understand who I was, who I still am. The life you had endured mirrored mine and I felt immediately connected to you and still feel that connection to you. I know we don't speak anymore, but I know there are days when our souls call out to each other. I always know when you are thinking about me...it is rarity to find that kinship. I know that I put too much on you and I know that it affected you to see me that way. I know that you were sick because of me. I'm so sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. Somedays, like today, I long to know that you are ok,,...that your life is everything you dreamed of and that you are living the happiness you know in your heart you deserved but never thought you would find. I am grateful for you and to you. I am remembering the days of being snowed in, drinking tea, sitting looking at the Grand Tetons and talking for hours. I hope you are well, friend.
Mom and Dad -- I love you both so much. I think saying I was a "handful" as a child and young adult is quite an understatement. I know I put you both through so much and you endured some of your scariest moments with me and/or because of me. I know that my life probably isn't what you pictured for me but you both have shown me so much love and acceptance and I love you both so much for it. I cannot apologize enough for the pain I've caused you but I hope that each day you become a little more proud of who I am now.
S -- my life is complete with you in it. Our life together began at such a weird place for both of us. We were both going through so much at the time and you were an intricate part of me surviving.I am so sorry for all that you have had to endure at my hand. You and B have given me so much. I am beyond grateful for you both. But I am head over heals in love with you and that is something I never thought would happen for me. You are the reason it happened. You endured such pain with me....crying with me, holding me, and listening. I cannot tell you how much that in and of itself grew my heart for you. I love you and I am more than grateful for you and our life together.
It is never a bad time to remember, reflect and apologize if necessary. Making the choice to live each day grateful gives you a happier and more enjoyable life. If you live with mental illness, you can make a choice, even if it is by the second to be grateful for the simplist of things. If you live with mental illness you can make a choice, even if it is by the second, to be kind and gentle with yourself and to those around you. We all make choices everyday that affect us and those around us. Try to take some time to reflect on those choices, be grateful for the positives and try to correct the negatives. <3 Peace my friends
Have you ever seen the movie, What About Bob? Totally one of my favorite movies of all time. In case you haven't seen it, just a little back info about the movie. Bob is a goofy, unassuming yet neurotic and anxiety ridden man. His psychiatrist has had his fill with Bob and quits the business transferring him to a seemingly self made and highly successful psychiatrist, Dr. Leo Marvin. Dr. Leo agrees to meet Bob for an interview prior to his vacation. When Bob presents to Dr. Leo, he presents completely out of sorts and invents having touretts, an intense fear of dying, anxiety about germs and going down the elevator. Dr. Leo gives Bob a copy of his book called, Baby Steps. Dr. Leo tells Bob to not think about leaving the building but to just take Baby Steps and think about getting to the office door and stepping into the waiting room. Then, Dr. Leo encourages Bob to think about just making it from the waiting room to the hallway and from there to the elevator and from there to the building lobby and from there to the door etc. Eventually Bob becomes so good at Baby Steps he is able to get on a public bus and go to the doctor's vacation spot, push his way into his family, sail (I'm sailing, I'm sailing), and evenutally drive the doctor completely and totally insane. My point (no I am not encouraging you to drive others to the brink of insanity) is Bob, through baby steps, was able to make great strides in his entire life. He found mental strength, physical strength, opened his heart to love and eventually became a very successful psychiatrist himself. Now, I know I know, you are all saying...yeah, he was able to do this, it is a movie. However, this is a totally possible scenario (well, generally speaking anyway). People always ask me, how I am able to lose weight and how do I exercise and tell me they are so afraid of the gym for one reason or another...so here is the answer....baby steps. When I started my health journey, I just cut portions and went to diet soda. After a while, I gave up red meat and went to lean turkey and chicken. Then, after that, I increased water and cut down the amount of diet soda I drank. Eventually I gave up soda altogether. I cut out smoking after 6 months on my health journey. The new year will bring me to another step and that is cutting out meat all together (this is a personal choice and I do not advise it for anyone...make that choice for yourself : ) The gym was kind of the same story. I started with Zumba. It was a fun way to start at the gym and I really burned A LOT of calories. When I started Zumba I was so big that I could really only move side to side to the beat and I stood in the very back corner. Over time, I became able to really move my hips, my feet, all of me really and then I was REALLY burning calories. Then I decided to start adding other things at the gym. I didn't do it all at once though; a class her and a class there. Now, I teach classes and am working on getting AFAA (Aerobics and Fitness Association of America) certified. Who knew that I would go in this direction? Who knew anyone would really care to read about it. I started this journey out with a very large goal in mind (still have that huge goal) but I knew if I took everything away from myself at once, I was setting myself up for failure. I had an excuse for everything and used them to my advantage but that is part of what kept me so overweight and so out of shape. I used food for other reasons that to fuel my body. I had to make small changes physically and mentally and will have to continue to do so in order to reach my ultimate goal. My point in this long rambling is this, your first step will be your most difficult but make that step. Make an overall goal for yourself and then set very small goals so you can feel victory over and over again and gain more and more confidence. You can do anything, ANYTHING you set your mind to. I believe it you and I will continue to believe in you until you can and will believe in yourself. Don't sell yourself short, you have so much to offer to this world and the world is waiting to experience YOU!!
You know the old saying, "misery loves company?" It is totally true. Before I changed my life, including my attitude, I didn't want to be around positive people. They got on my nerves. In fact, I thought, these people are living on a cloud and have never experienced any hurt or pain in their lives. I thought, if they had, there is no way they would live on this positive plane. But then, one day, something changed in me. I made the decision, the CHOICE, that life is short and I would much rather live it to the fullest with happiness in my heart rather than negativity and cynicism. When I was in Africa, I saw people, children, in the worst conditions I could imagine. Let me describe some: sleeping on pieces of wood tied together to make a bed, flies and bugs crawling on them while they slept, drinking water that they also washed their clothing in and bathed their animals in and eating whatever they could get their hands on. When I worked in New Orleans, I saw children who lived through horrid circumstances. For example, a child came to after school club and was sitting at the table coloring a bright happy picture and humming a song. I said, hi Vincent!! You sure are singing a pretty song. He knodded and smiled to show me his picture. He asked me after if I would walk him home and I did. As I walked him up to the door his mother came out and asked me if I had had behavior problems with Vincent that day. I replied that I hadn't and it was a good day. She smiled and said she was glad because his father had been shot and killed in a drive by the night before and she was worried he would act out because of it. The next day I took Vincent for ice cream to talk to him about it. He sat there enjoying his ice cream and my heart was breaking for him. I gently brought up the subject and he said, I'm ok, I'm the man of the house now. Of course he missed his father and he was heart broken and he will have deal with that loss but at that time, that didn't rule his life. Since I have changed my life and my attitude, I have had people NOT want to be around me because of it. They say things like, not everyone is like you; not everyone can just make the choice to behave this way or that. I say to you, YES they can!! YES YOU can!! I have reasons to not believe in positivity, I have reasons to be bitter and angry and hold grudges if I want. But that negative energy just feeds off of your soul and swallows up any bright spots. In that life, my pleasure came from cynicism and tearing people down and that is not the life I want for myself, nor is the life I want for my friends. We all have choices on how to behave. YES, things are going to happen that cause negative feelings, but what makes or breaks us is how we choose to deal with those negative feelings. Will you choose to turn the negative into a positive or will you choose to feed more negative with the negative. The children and adults I had the ultimate priviledge to work with in Africa taught me many things (which is ironic since I was there to teach them). One thing tha has always stood out for me is the life they led and how they lived it. They have NOTHING!! Seriously, no electricity, no running water, no "grocery stores" or Walmart, not even a clock. And they were happy. One of my most favorite pictures that I took in Africa was a picture of a child (in the pic you cannot tell she doesn't have any clothing on) with a pair of torn underwear in her mouth. She had NOTHING but this child was a bright spot in my life while there. I was home sick so bad the first week I was there and playing "jump rope" (I use quotations cause it was with a very long piece of string) with this child made ME so happy and she had a blast too. She didn't care about the newest dolls or newest barbie or a ds or an xbox. She was happy with anything because she made that choice to be happy with anything. I could apologize to those "friends" who have no desire anymore to be around me because I am positive, but I am not going to apologize for choosing a real life. I am sad at the loss of these friends, but I am not giving them the power to ruin my day or my life because they don't want to be around me. I do have problems and things that initiallly worry me, but I am not going to let that run my life or my attitude. I want to be a person of encouragement or love and joy and PEACE. Peace had never been a constant in my life, but it is now and I plan to keep it that way. I hope you will too because there really is no better way to live. Make the choice people and choose to keep your life in the positive. I will still love you if you don't and I will be there for you if you need me, but be prepared for me to hug you, encourage you and then ask you.....how can we choose to make this a positive situation?? I Love you all!! <3