Do you ever have so much to say that you just don't know where to even begin? Not only that but if you said it all, it wouldn't flow together at all? Yeah, that's me today. This post will probably be all over the place because I have a lot on my mind and I have for a week or so. Sometimes Negative Nancy really puts up a great fight with Patty. Patty has to work extra hard to win which tires this girl completely out and make her brain all mushy. Yeah, I said it,...mushy. Trauma, whether it physical, mental, emotional, or sexual, can do some rather weird things to a person. Brains are an amazing organ. They record and remember everything and it will manifest the affects of trauma in several different manners, even when you are or aren't expecting it. I saw it over and over at the Sexual Trauma hospital I worked at in New Orleans. Clients would be doing so well and then a time significant to their trauma would come around and it would really turn them for a loop and back in the Trauma unit they would come, mostly for support. You can experience a loss and that is a trauma. You can experience a natural disaster, and that is a trauma. You can experience war and that is a trauma. A lot of things are traumatic to your psyche but our brains and bodies are designed for resiliency. However, resiliency isn't always easy. Every year, February is a reminder to me of trauma and I know it is coming....February always rolls around, Lol!! I always try to prepare myself and have people around me to support me, but inevitably I have to fight and fight hard to not curl up in bed with the covers over my head for a week......oh, and to not eat the entire contents of my fridge, freezer and pantry, Lol. Today I feel tired and the brain is definitely mushy. But over and over I am trying to remind myself to be grateful and thankful. I survived. I have survived so much in my life and now even, I feel that I have triumphed over a lot too. I am definitely grateful to live triumphently. I think back to my time working at the Trauma center and how sad some of the client's lives were. They were in and out of the hospital depending on the time of the year because of someone's violation against them and were never fully able to live. That could have been me. There was a time that it almost was me. I played victim really well. I can't do this because I am not strong enough. I can't rise above this because they hurt me so bad. I am so angry because they are seemingly successful and here I sit, alone and far from successful. I cannot impact anyone because I mean nothing because I am tainted, shameful and unworthy. These are all LIES I told myself because of what other people did. Now, I ABSOLUTELY refuse to live in that place. I think I needed to live in that place for a little bit, but definitely not as long as I did. I missed out on so much. However, I will tell you what has been creeping up the most these past couple of days: I am NOT good enough, that person is better, why would anyone pick me. This is certainly a lie. I am good enough and I DO deserve it and people should pick me. I have a tendancy to compare myself and then feel very threatened and insecure about myself and you know what comes out? Negative Nancy. Negative Nancy then causes fear, anxiety, and sometimes down right hatefulness. That then causes fatigue and mushy brain, which I hate. Other lies Nancy likes to spread is: you are going to fail, this isn't going to work out, you don't have enough to make it. I may fail, but one never knows unless they try and there are lessons to be learned in failure (remember resiliency?). The fear of failure can no longer hold me back. I have to believe and try in order to make a difference. Also, what doesn't workout will bring something else a long. I will make it, I always do. It may be a little painful to get through, but I always make it....we(my family) always make it. When I start having these freak out moments I try to slow down and say thank you and be grateful. So, that is what I am going to do now. I am going to list 10 things I am thankful and grateful for:
1. Brennah and her love, laughter, kindness, sensitivity, uniqueness, intelligence, creativity, and so many other things
2. Sarah and her love, care, determination, ambition, intelligence, support, belief and so many many other things
3. My mom and her constant love being my norhtern star and completely and totally stable, her care, helpfulness, intelligence, kindness, laughter, and so much more.
4. My dad for his love, understanding, relatability, acceptance, helpfulness, his stories, courage, intelligence and so so much more.
5. My hippie friends Emily and Buffy with whom I always have a fabulous time with and can count on hours of laughter when I am with them. Plus, it is nice to find people with such similar ways of thinking ; )
6. My gym rat friends: sometimes my only motivation to get to the gym in the mornings. I love working out with all of you and enjoy the discussions of all the great food and wine we have tasted.
7. Matt and Jennifer: you two have touched my life in a way you may not even know but you truly have and I am so grateful to know both of you.
8. My Malachi. Malachi saved my life. It is funny that an animal can do that. But he came into my life when I was ready to throw it away, but he was a runt puppy who needed me to survive so he could survive. And as he sits here beside me snoring, I am just so grateful for his unconditional love.
9. I am thankful for Zumba and Fitness. I can't explain the changes exercise has had for me: mind, body and soul.
10. Last but certainly not least: Kristel, Amy, Jan and Rhonda -- you have all had a hand in motivating, inspiring and encouraging me. You may not know it because maybe I don't say it enough but you have touched my life in a way that I will never forget and will never take advantage of. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
11. (I know I said 10, but just one more) To all of you who read my blog: I LOVE this blog and I LOVE that you honor me by reading it. I am grateful for each and everyone of you and the fact that you are interested in what I have to say. I am grateful that you give me a chance : )
No matter what you are going through, if you can even write down one thing, ONE THING you are grateful for, it will help you. I feel really good after just doing that (although i did just finish my 3rd cup of coffee : ) )
I wish a fabulous day for each of you. I don't take helping people lightly...I love to help with whatever I can and if I can't help you, I will find someone who can. Take care of each other and yourselves my friends and remember that tragedy and trauma finds everyone, but we can reach out to each other for support and challenge our negative thoughts with positive ones!! I <3 each and everyone of you and wish your heart, mind and sould peace today and everyday : )
1. Brennah and her love, laughter, kindness, sensitivity, uniqueness, intelligence, creativity, and so many other things
2. Sarah and her love, care, determination, ambition, intelligence, support, belief and so many many other things
3. My mom and her constant love being my norhtern star and completely and totally stable, her care, helpfulness, intelligence, kindness, laughter, and so much more.
4. My dad for his love, understanding, relatability, acceptance, helpfulness, his stories, courage, intelligence and so so much more.
5. My hippie friends Emily and Buffy with whom I always have a fabulous time with and can count on hours of laughter when I am with them. Plus, it is nice to find people with such similar ways of thinking ; )
6. My gym rat friends: sometimes my only motivation to get to the gym in the mornings. I love working out with all of you and enjoy the discussions of all the great food and wine we have tasted.
7. Matt and Jennifer: you two have touched my life in a way you may not even know but you truly have and I am so grateful to know both of you.
8. My Malachi. Malachi saved my life. It is funny that an animal can do that. But he came into my life when I was ready to throw it away, but he was a runt puppy who needed me to survive so he could survive. And as he sits here beside me snoring, I am just so grateful for his unconditional love.
9. I am thankful for Zumba and Fitness. I can't explain the changes exercise has had for me: mind, body and soul.
10. Last but certainly not least: Kristel, Amy, Jan and Rhonda -- you have all had a hand in motivating, inspiring and encouraging me. You may not know it because maybe I don't say it enough but you have touched my life in a way that I will never forget and will never take advantage of. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
11. (I know I said 10, but just one more) To all of you who read my blog: I LOVE this blog and I LOVE that you honor me by reading it. I am grateful for each and everyone of you and the fact that you are interested in what I have to say. I am grateful that you give me a chance : )
No matter what you are going through, if you can even write down one thing, ONE THING you are grateful for, it will help you. I feel really good after just doing that (although i did just finish my 3rd cup of coffee : ) )
I wish a fabulous day for each of you. I don't take helping people lightly...I love to help with whatever I can and if I can't help you, I will find someone who can. Take care of each other and yourselves my friends and remember that tragedy and trauma finds everyone, but we can reach out to each other for support and challenge our negative thoughts with positive ones!! I <3 each and everyone of you and wish your heart, mind and sould peace today and everyday : )