Now, my dad, my family, loves to eat!! And I thought, if this is something he is going to do, I am going to start making some changes and I am going to support him. I mean, I had already had so many of my own health complications that had started and I wanted to stop mine from getting any worse. I had hypertension, sleep apnea, mixed connective tissue disorder, planters fasciatus, I was tired all of the time, I couldn't walk very far at all without excruciating pain and swelling, and I had skin issues .The PTSD symptoms, anxiety, and depression were compounded by all of the physical issues. I definitely didn't want to add diabetes to the list.
So, when my dad started, I started. However, after a few months, I began finding excuses. I said I couldn't do the diet because of health issues, I couldn't work out because it hurt, I couldn't.....you fill in the blank...I had excuses. The following January, I decided I was done....done with excuses, done with pain, done. done. done. So, I started again and I lost about 36lbs in 3 months and then I was stuck and I definitely wasn't commited to the gym.
Then, something happened.....this is weird, but it's the truth....my grandma passed away and I was set free. I loved my grandma so very much and I was so very very close to her and I grieved while she was dying and when she died, but at the same time her passing was empowering for me, for some reason. It's like her strength was passed on to me. She was a very very tough woman. After she passed, I was more determined than ever and something in me clicked. I got back on track and started with very small changes. I made small goals but I have a very definite large goal. I surrounded myself with people who are encouraging and positive. I read a book called Unbearable Lightness (by Portia Di Rossi) and my relationship with food just changed. I no longer thought in terms of "I can never have this again" or" I HAVE to give this up forever if I am going to be healthy". I learned through reading this book that allowing my body indulgences showed love for myself and I didn't feel like I was punished or neglectful. Eating well is an expression of self love.
My motivation and inspiration honestly come from those I surround myself with, books I read, helping others, and the realization that although other people care about and love me, if I want things to change, I have to change them and to hell with the excuses. Yes, excercising HURT LIKE HELL when I first started. My body refused to do more than move from side to side. No, I did NOT want to eat salad, vegetables and fruit all of the time, no I did NOT want to drink water, no I did NOT want to give up soda. I had SO many excuses: but my biggest one was, I CAN'T. I had a victim mentality. Anytime an opportunity would present itself, I would say "I can't". Fear would envelop me, and I let it. What I have found is this: if it is important to you, you will make it happen. No matter what it is, if it is important, you will find a way. What was and is important to me is this: thriving -- for my daughter, my partner, my parents, my family, my friends, FOR ME. I wanted to live as an example for my daughter. I wanted her to be proud to call me mom and I want her to see that she can be anything, do anything and overcome anything. Being healthy is important. I don't want to be hypertensive, I want to continue to do my own grocery shopping -- pushing a cart on my own, I want to run with my daughter and with my dog, I want to sleep without a cpap machine, I want to live a life free of pain and pain medication. These things are important enough for me to continue with my way of life and to continue reaching for my goals. I don't want to use excuses to keep me from goals, I want to look things straight in the face that scare me and overcome them in a way that touches the lives of those around me and inspires them.