Ok, so, I really did accidently delete everything, so I was able to recover it, but it looks a little funny and the pics have been removed. I may eventually fix them and add the pics back. Bur, for now, it's going to stay just like this
: )Today
was a Good Day! 07/09/2011
0
Comments
Today was a good day! It wasn't an
exceptionally special day really, it was just a good day! This morning I faced
a fear I have been putting off for over 6 years. This morning I did EMDR (Eye
Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). EMDR is used to help quickly
process traumatic events by bringing up a picture of the event and beliefs due
to the event and dealing with them in a safe manner and then reprocessing your
mind to deal with it more effectively. It kind of borders on hypnosis. I have
been scared for so long to face the pictures and memories of my past. But
today, I pushed through some pretty ugly stuff. And I challenged the belief of
being "dirty" and "unworthy." I walked safely throught some very ugly memories
and I SURVIVED!!! Yes, it made my chest tight and my stomach hurt for a
little bit, but I faced it and survived it and that is HUGE!! After all of
that we went to a family bar bq and I got to see family that I haven't seen in
a long time. It was nice to sit in the yard and listen to everyone visit and
enjoy each other's company. On the way home, one of Brennah's friends called
to see if she could come play, which she did. Sarah and I got to spend some
quality time together doing yard work. Now, this may not sound like a "good
day" or fun, but it was. We worked hard together and enjoyed each other's
company while working to take down some pesky weeds and vines in the yard.
You know, a lot of people think being gay or a lesbian is so wrong or so
disgusting and "why do I care who you sleep with," but for us, we are just
like everyone else. We love spending time together and flirting and playing
around with each other and just being in each other's company. It's not about
who we sleep with, it is about a relationship that is full of love and
acceptance for each other and wanting to see each other succeed and fulfill
dreams and being there to support each other. Then this evening, after Brennah
got home a friend came over and brought her son to play with Brennah. They
played until dark and we were all outside until the kids were too tired to play
anymore. We got to know this new friend better and enjoy someone who got to
know us as people before judging based on the opinions of others. I could
focus on the icky parts of today: facing ugly pictures of the past, not
getting to spend the whole day with our daughter, having to do yard work, and
hearing a new friend telling us all the reasons why she was told not to be
friends with us, but instead, I am going to focus on: facing and accomplishing
something that in the past paralyzed me with fear, getting some quality time
with my beloved, seeing Brennah enjoy some good outside playtime with her
friend and getting to know a great new friend. I choose the good....today was
a good,...no, today was a GREAT DAY!!
Add
Comment
FREEDOM!!!
07/02/2011
0
Comments
It is the time of year when we as Americans
gather together with friends and family to eat, swim, and set off or watch
fireworks as a way to celebrate the anniversary of our freedom. While laying
in the pool today, relaxing in the sun, I began to think about the freedoms I
enjoy. I began to think about the places I've been in this world that do not
enjoy those same freedoms but enjoy a different kind of freedom. A few years
back I had the opportunity to spend some time in West Africa to teach English
and study culture. The people there are very poor, the poverty line is $1.25 a
day. My first week there, I was overwhelmed by the people there. They were so
friendly and happy. Some of these children were running around naked (this is
the Sahara desert) and just seemed content and happy just the same. They did
not have the things the children in the United States expect to have. They
didn't have electricity so there was no tv, no gaming systems, and no internet.
One of my favorite memories is a child came to my gate and asked me to come
out to play with him. I looked at him and all he had was a bicycle tire and I
thought, ok, this could be interesting. I went out to play with him and for at
least an hour we rolled this tire along the road and laughed and laughed and
laughed. But when we think of these children, we may think, how sad that they
do not all have clothing and they do not have electricity so they can enjoy
this or that...they are just trapped in the middle of the Sahara desert playing
with bicycle tires. But nothing could be further from the truth. When I think
of these children, I reminded that freedom is a state of mind. These children
were free because they were not trapped by the thoughts many have by comparing
themselves to other people. These childre were free because they did not have
to rely on outside influences to know they were free. They are free because
they believe in their mind that they are free. We are surrounded by influences
and stimuli that can lead us to believe we have to do this or have to have that
and have to believe this or have to behave in this way. But the fact of the
matter is, the only thing we have to do, is free ourselves in our minds. I
know, I know, easier said than done. But honestly, if I have a thought sneak
in that could trap me, I try to capture that thought and challenge it. After
that challenge, I have a choice. I can choose to live in that sneaky negative,
worry inducing thought, OR I can choose to let it go and live in a state of
happiness and FREEDOM!! I hope that you will choose your freedom and realize
that you have the power within yourself and should celebrate each piece of
freedom you gain in your life!!
Add
Comment
Garbage
In Garbage Out06/28/2011
0
Comments
Garbage in garbage out. I have heard several
people use this phrase before and never really "got" it. I have a friend who
likes to use the phrase, what you say is true and it really did not really
click until recently. A good friend of mine recommended a book to me and I
picked it up Monday and the book basically says this, the law of attraction is
a LAW and like thoughts/actions/words all attract like thoughts/actions and
words. So many times life seemed to be going along ok but I was always waiting
for the bottom to drop out and inevitably it did. When my mom was diagnosed
with breast cancer and she had her surgery, in the back of my mind lurked the
thoughts that it was worse then they were saying and then the thoughts just
multiplied to all the things that could happen and how would I react if she
died and what would happen to my dad if she died and what if, what if, what if.
I tried to cover this up with describing these feelings as those of a realist.
But, what I was really putting out there was all of this negative energy and
it was negative energy my mom did not need nor want around her. We can always
look at a situation with negative lenses or positive lenses. Probably the
easiest and safest way to look at a situation is the negative way. It seems to
take less energy to focus on the negative but the negative will always suck
more energy out of you than it gives back. Whereas it may take more energy to
initially focus on the positive, once you make the choice to behave, speak or
think in a positive manner, the energy just pours out and flows constantly. I
have a renewed love for working out but some mornings I wake up so tired and
unmotivated to go to the gym. But, when I make the decision to go, once I get
there, I reap instant reward. Sure it takes time to see fitness results, but
emotional rewards are instant. Sure it is easy to let the garbage in your head
rule and produce garbage outside of yourself but within your life but wouldn't
you rather put the positive around you to work and reap those rewards? I know
that is what I want and that is what I will get.
Add
Comment
Have
some Pride!!! 06/26/2011
0
Comments
Happy
Pride!! This week-end was pride week-end in St. Louis for the LGBT community.
Sarah and I didn't get to go this week-end but we were there in spirit. For
those of you who do not know what pride is, it is a big celebration of LGBT
people....in other words, a big gay celebration..Lol! The month of June is
pride month all over the world for LGBT people. It is a time for a diverse
group of people to come together and celebrate the diversity between them as
well as one part that makes them all the same. Every year in St. Louis, Pride
grows larger and larger. It is really a beautiful thing to see so many couples
and families sharing time together without having to worry about the dagger
filled stares of judgement or the hateful words tearing down love. Also every
year, there are protesters who try to "convert" the gays to their way of
thinking and away from who we are born to be. These protesters are no better
than Westboro Baptist Church as they can say hateful and hurtful things to
loving couples right in front of their children. It would be easy to get hung
up on what these people say and do and the negative things they say in do in
front of families about values when they are the ones who are spewing such hate
and bigotry in front of children. However, for me, it is more important to
focus on the love between people and the positive feeling that flow through the
air during Pride. People will always try to bring people down. In fact, it
seems the more positive someone is, the more others try to bring negativity
into your life. The fact of the matter is, you can choose to let the negative
in and affect you or you can choose to focus on the positive and have some
PRIDE!! Pride is for everyone....love is for everyone.....that is what I
choose!! Happy Pride everyone!
Add
Comment
Yes
I am fat...today anyway!! 06/24/2011
0
Comments
Yes, I'm fat. However, I'm not as fat today as
I was yesterday and I will less
fat tomorrow. Lol! It is kind of blunt to
explain it that way but it's the
truth. Sometimes the truth hurts.
Sometimes no matter how hard we work and how
much work we know we have
done, no one else appreciates it or can see or
understand it. But, as far
as my healthy journey goes, it is just like anything
else, if I am doing it
for others, I am doing it for the wrong reasons. It is
nice to get
compliments and encouragement when you are making positive changes
in your
life but they cannot be necessary in order for you to keep going
forward.
Today, I was running late getting home from the gym. I had a GREAT day
at
the gym today. I just felt so good when I left. When I got home, I walked in
and said hello to my lovely ladies with a huge smile and ready to start the
day
in a positive way. I was met with a verbal chewing because of some
miscommunication this morning. So my wife was yelling at me, my kid was
running
around like a crazy child because everyone was waiting on me and I
threw off the
schedule....not to mention everyone was hungry and couldn't
eat until after the
doctor's appointment we were running late for. So, my
choices were to let this
entire debacle ruin my day or to swallow some
pride, apologize, and make nice
with my family. So, I did. I still feel
great about my workout this morning,
and I feel great about my food choices
today and I feel great about my family.
Life gives us situations and we
can make choices how to react. Those reactions
can ruin a moment or ruin a
day, it is all about attitude. I am full of
negative thoughts and
reactions, but I am also full of positive thoughts and
reactions. I can
choose to look at things in a way that will enhance my day or
look at
things in a way that will destroy it. I can obsess that I am still fat
or
I can pat myself on the back for the hard work I have done and will continue
to do everyday. I want a happy life with an abundance of love and peace.
So,
that is what I choose, love and peace.
This is your new
blog post. Click here and start typing, or drag in elements from the top
bar.
Add
Comment
Victim
to Survivor 06/24/2011
0
Comments
Let's talk about victims. There are those in
life who will let one or two things
weigh them down for the rest of their
lives. Then there are those who will not
even tolerate the word victim in
their vocabulary. It is unrealistic to say you
have never been victimized.
Everyone has had some sort of trauma in their life.
What may seem like a
trivial trauma to one person can be an overwhelming trauma
to another.
While in graduate school I worked at a hospital that treated people
specifically for psychological trauma. One of the things we tried to teach
clients was not to compare traumas. It does not help the victim to compare
his/her trauma to another person's trauma, so really, what is the point? It
is
no fun to live the life of a victim. Living in fear, isolating oneself
to stay
protected, paranoia, not trying anything so as not to fail, being
controlled by
a past experience; none of these are a way to live. Believe
me, it really is not
the way you want to live. I understand and believe
that traumatic events take
time to process and you have to let yourself go
through emotions in order to
heal properly. However, in processing through
those events it is important to
begin to use empowering words. People used
to tell me, you have to just think
positive and push through it all. This
used to make me angry and frustrate me.
It is true to a point and it is
easier said than done. If you are homeless,
broke and alone, telling you to
think positive is insensitive and callous. But,
letting you sit in your
box, with empty pockets by yourself for 10 years (unless
you just want to)
is also insensitive and callous. Everyone has potential and
everyone has
the ability to be their best. Trauma changes your brain, but that
does not
mean it cannot be changed again and into a positive direction. I could
let
things in the past continue to affect my present and my future, or I can
challenge the negative thoughts, let negative comments roll off my back, or
if I
am really hurt, move past my fear and actually communitcate my fears
to the one
that hurt me. I choose to use the word "won't" instead of
"can't," because if
I am willing, I can do anything. It may not happen in
an instant, but I can do
it.
Add
Comment
Being
Positive doesn't mean you Don't Have Opinions 06/24/2011
0
Comments
I
have always had opinions. I was probably born with a distinct opinion on what
diapers I liked and what baby clothes I would wear (Obviously I can't know
that
for sure, Lol). Anyway, I have opinions. STRONG opinions. Yes, I
would like
everyone to agree with my opinions, but they do not. Here comes
the positive
attitude and the difficult part. I have to believe that just
because someone
disagrees with my opinion, even if it is regarding
something deeply personal to
me, does not mean that I cannot be their
friend or that it is a personal attack
towards me. As I said in my
previous post, I am a lesbian. Being a lesbian in
small town middle America
is not easy. It is not widely accepted by many and in
fact, many people
have grand opinions on it all. When people comment that I
live in sin, or
indicate that my life is "just a phase" or that my family is not
real
because, "it isn't what god ordained," I get my feelings hurt and I get
angry. These are all valid emotions and one could see how I might feel
personally attacked. One who is extremely understanding might even
understand
why I go on the defense before I even speak to a Christian.
But, me shutting
those people out of my life completely for not believing
the way I do is not any
better than those who shut me out of their life
because I am a lesbian. I
believe my family should be equal in this
country and I believe I should be able
to marry Sarah without a few
religious people attacking me saying I am a part of
the downfall of our
society or I am a child molester or that I want to "recruit"
children to
become gay. It is fine with me for people to have their religious
beliefts
and live by them to their heart's desire. But what is not fine for me
is
for one person's religion to dictate one life for me. I could go into all
the problems with religion and holy books and the manipulation of those
books
but that will accomplish nothing. Just as no one is going to change
my mind,
most of the time, my debate is not going to change anyone else's
mind either.
It would be nice if everyone could just live in harmony and
accept each other
for who they are but everyone is different and everyone
has opinions and
everyone's opinions were formed by their life experiences
and their collected
knowledge. It would be easier to just surround myself
with people who believe
just like me and value all the things I value but
that sounds boring. That
sounds like I would be missing out on knowing a
lot of great people. I can
accept parts of people and overlook our
disagreements. My friend Laura has
taught me a lot about this. Laura is a
Christian woman with very conservative
beliefs. She believes that god only
ordained man and woman for each other. When
Laura and I met and hung out
the first time, she bluntly stated her beliefs and
said, there, now that
that is out of the way, let's go have some coffee. She
loves and cares
about me, Sarah and our daughter. She recognizes us as a family
and treats
Sarah and I well. She acknowledges both of us as our daughter's
parents and
even acknowledges Sarah and I as a relationship. I know how she
feels about
us in terms of religion but I also know that she does not think of
us as
being unequal to her and her family. If Sarah and I were to be able to
legally marry in this state, Laura would not come. I can understand that.
It
hurts, but I understand it. Sarah and I want to be recognized by
government not
church but I can still understand those who have principles
and need to stand on
them. Realizing that people can have opinions and
values different from each
other while still being able to forge great and
meaningful relationships is
definately a postive that I can stand by. So,
yes, I have opinions and a lot of
them are in regards to politics and
religion...two things people usually feel
very passionate about, but, I can
have these opinions and value and care about
others and that, my friend, is
a very positive attitude and outlook. Have a
great day and keep on the
sunny side : )
Add
Comment
My
Story 06/22/2011
0
Comments
So,
this is my first time to ever blog. But, I feel like I have made a turn
in
my life and it would not be right if I didn't share it with people. I am
not sure where to start. Maybe I should start from the most negative place and
work my way forward. The lowest point in my life was 7 years ago. I was in
graduate school, had a job I loved and thought I was meant for, and was really
thought I
was headed in the right direction. At the same time though, I was
in therapy due
to compulsive self injury behavior related to
years of
sexual abuse. It all began to break me down and I ended up fleeing school and
my job and landed halfway across the country. My mental health decompensated
quickly and I quit eating, drinking and my self injurious behavior increased to
a dangerous level.
My friend, whom I went to hide with, talked to me and
said she could not keep me at her house any longer because she feared for my
health. So, I went to the hospital. They admitted me for 7 days. My parents
flew out to get me. The hospital released me into their care as long as they
were willing to take me another hospital when we got home. Needless to say,
they put me in the hospital when the got me home. I was in the hospital again
for another week. I was in and out of hospitals for 3 years after that. I have
been in therapy since that time. One of the biggest breakthroughs was coming to
terms with who I am. I was raised in pretty strict religious home. I was
taught to believe I had to be contrary to who I am in order to fit into my
family's religion. I thought I would not be loved or accepted for who I have
known I am. My parent's approval has always been extremely important to me and
I was
afraid to be true to myself and lose their love. My parents do not
support my "lifestyle decisions" but now I know that they love me and my
family. This has given me the security to be who I am without the fear of
abandonment and rejection. I also felt trapped by a god who would reject me
for who I am. I was in the church every time the door
was open when I was
growing up. God was shoved down my throat. My parents had good intentions but
for me, it just felt like more rigidness and one more thingto be hurt by. I am
not sure about god and religion because it is used by somany to control others.
I am not sure about religion because I studied it in college and realize that
there is room for errors in translation. There is room for people to manipulate
it and use it to further an agenda and
harm others that do not think like
them, live like them, or come from another culture different than theirs.
Another thing that kept me down, was not being honest about being a lesbian. I
have known almost my whole life, but tried and tried to push it away for fear
of being abandoned and hated. But I have since learned that if I am not true
to myself it adds to the sickness. I am OUT. I have been OUT for 6 years. My
partner and I have been together for 6 years. Our first few years together were
difficult because of my mental health issues but I am truly who I
am and I
am truly in love with my partner. We have a daughter who is 7. I knew I wanted
to be the
best mom I could be. I knew that meant getting control of my
mental health and getting control of my life all together. Not to mention the
love my fiance and our daughter just catapaults me. A year ago, I made a
decision. I made a decision to journey towards health. Not just physical
health, but mental and emotional health too. My fiance and I began eating
whole food and started working out at a local gym. I started doing Zumba. It
was so fun and full of all different levels of health. I have kept with it
too. I have lost 60 pounds and my blood pressure is so much better. My energy
is through the roof. For years, I have had no energy. My preference has been
to stay away from people and just stay at home. I would push myself for my
daugher's sake but if she wasn't around, I was down. My attitude, as I used to
put it, was one of a "realist." When actually, I just was always
waiting
for the bottom to drop out. Now, I am choosing to live. Of course I will
struggle against the negative thoughts and feelings that came from my past, but
I am going to make a conscious effort to choose my feelings
and my attitude
every second of the day. There are sad and depressing things that happen,
things that are difficult, but what make a person who they are is how they
choose to handle it. It may not always be done quickly, it may take time, it's
taken me 7 years to feel strong again, but it can be done. It is a choice. Two
things I leave you
with today..... you can choose your feelings and in the
words of Rhonda, "what you say is true." That's all for now. I hope you enjoy
reading this and will return
to read it periodically.
Add
Comment
I
Am So Stupid Sometimes 06/21/2011
0
Comments
How many times
have you said this to yourself? I used to say it all the time and still, I
catch myself saying it every now and then. It really is something that can
just roll off of the tongue. A good example might be this blog. I just figured
out this evening that I was posting my blog wrong. It is frustrating since I
have like four or five blogs on the home page but I have never blogged before
and didn't know exactly what I was doing. I am trying to teach myself to be
kinder to myself though and that being hard on myself, especially for petty
things, is what made me a "negative Nancy." I've seen my daughter make a
simple mistake and get so frustrated with herself and say such mean things to
herself. I do not want that for her. I want her to know and see how awesome
she is and the best way for me to encourage her to do that is to do it for
myself. Our children are our little sponges, mirrors and parrots. So the next
time you catch yourself getting all pissed off with yourself and are berating
yourself, ask yourself if you would want someone else saying those things to
your child or worse, would you want to hear your child saying those things to
herself.
Create a free
website with Weebly
: )Today
was a Good Day! 07/09/2011
0
Comments
Today was a good day! It wasn't an
exceptionally special day really, it was just a good day! This morning I faced
a fear I have been putting off for over 6 years. This morning I did EMDR (Eye
Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). EMDR is used to help quickly
process traumatic events by bringing up a picture of the event and beliefs due
to the event and dealing with them in a safe manner and then reprocessing your
mind to deal with it more effectively. It kind of borders on hypnosis. I have
been scared for so long to face the pictures and memories of my past. But
today, I pushed through some pretty ugly stuff. And I challenged the belief of
being "dirty" and "unworthy." I walked safely throught some very ugly memories
and I SURVIVED!!! Yes, it made my chest tight and my stomach hurt for a
little bit, but I faced it and survived it and that is HUGE!! After all of
that we went to a family bar bq and I got to see family that I haven't seen in
a long time. It was nice to sit in the yard and listen to everyone visit and
enjoy each other's company. On the way home, one of Brennah's friends called
to see if she could come play, which she did. Sarah and I got to spend some
quality time together doing yard work. Now, this may not sound like a "good
day" or fun, but it was. We worked hard together and enjoyed each other's
company while working to take down some pesky weeds and vines in the yard.
You know, a lot of people think being gay or a lesbian is so wrong or so
disgusting and "why do I care who you sleep with," but for us, we are just
like everyone else. We love spending time together and flirting and playing
around with each other and just being in each other's company. It's not about
who we sleep with, it is about a relationship that is full of love and
acceptance for each other and wanting to see each other succeed and fulfill
dreams and being there to support each other. Then this evening, after Brennah
got home a friend came over and brought her son to play with Brennah. They
played until dark and we were all outside until the kids were too tired to play
anymore. We got to know this new friend better and enjoy someone who got to
know us as people before judging based on the opinions of others. I could
focus on the icky parts of today: facing ugly pictures of the past, not
getting to spend the whole day with our daughter, having to do yard work, and
hearing a new friend telling us all the reasons why she was told not to be
friends with us, but instead, I am going to focus on: facing and accomplishing
something that in the past paralyzed me with fear, getting some quality time
with my beloved, seeing Brennah enjoy some good outside playtime with her
friend and getting to know a great new friend. I choose the good....today was
a good,...no, today was a GREAT DAY!!
Add
Comment
FREEDOM!!!
07/02/2011
0
Comments
It is the time of year when we as Americans
gather together with friends and family to eat, swim, and set off or watch
fireworks as a way to celebrate the anniversary of our freedom. While laying
in the pool today, relaxing in the sun, I began to think about the freedoms I
enjoy. I began to think about the places I've been in this world that do not
enjoy those same freedoms but enjoy a different kind of freedom. A few years
back I had the opportunity to spend some time in West Africa to teach English
and study culture. The people there are very poor, the poverty line is $1.25 a
day. My first week there, I was overwhelmed by the people there. They were so
friendly and happy. Some of these children were running around naked (this is
the Sahara desert) and just seemed content and happy just the same. They did
not have the things the children in the United States expect to have. They
didn't have electricity so there was no tv, no gaming systems, and no internet.
One of my favorite memories is a child came to my gate and asked me to come
out to play with him. I looked at him and all he had was a bicycle tire and I
thought, ok, this could be interesting. I went out to play with him and for at
least an hour we rolled this tire along the road and laughed and laughed and
laughed. But when we think of these children, we may think, how sad that they
do not all have clothing and they do not have electricity so they can enjoy
this or that...they are just trapped in the middle of the Sahara desert playing
with bicycle tires. But nothing could be further from the truth. When I think
of these children, I reminded that freedom is a state of mind. These children
were free because they were not trapped by the thoughts many have by comparing
themselves to other people. These childre were free because they did not have
to rely on outside influences to know they were free. They are free because
they believe in their mind that they are free. We are surrounded by influences
and stimuli that can lead us to believe we have to do this or have to have that
and have to believe this or have to behave in this way. But the fact of the
matter is, the only thing we have to do, is free ourselves in our minds. I
know, I know, easier said than done. But honestly, if I have a thought sneak
in that could trap me, I try to capture that thought and challenge it. After
that challenge, I have a choice. I can choose to live in that sneaky negative,
worry inducing thought, OR I can choose to let it go and live in a state of
happiness and FREEDOM!! I hope that you will choose your freedom and realize
that you have the power within yourself and should celebrate each piece of
freedom you gain in your life!!
Add
Comment
Garbage
In Garbage Out06/28/2011
0
Comments
Garbage in garbage out. I have heard several
people use this phrase before and never really "got" it. I have a friend who
likes to use the phrase, what you say is true and it really did not really
click until recently. A good friend of mine recommended a book to me and I
picked it up Monday and the book basically says this, the law of attraction is
a LAW and like thoughts/actions/words all attract like thoughts/actions and
words. So many times life seemed to be going along ok but I was always waiting
for the bottom to drop out and inevitably it did. When my mom was diagnosed
with breast cancer and she had her surgery, in the back of my mind lurked the
thoughts that it was worse then they were saying and then the thoughts just
multiplied to all the things that could happen and how would I react if she
died and what would happen to my dad if she died and what if, what if, what if.
I tried to cover this up with describing these feelings as those of a realist.
But, what I was really putting out there was all of this negative energy and
it was negative energy my mom did not need nor want around her. We can always
look at a situation with negative lenses or positive lenses. Probably the
easiest and safest way to look at a situation is the negative way. It seems to
take less energy to focus on the negative but the negative will always suck
more energy out of you than it gives back. Whereas it may take more energy to
initially focus on the positive, once you make the choice to behave, speak or
think in a positive manner, the energy just pours out and flows constantly. I
have a renewed love for working out but some mornings I wake up so tired and
unmotivated to go to the gym. But, when I make the decision to go, once I get
there, I reap instant reward. Sure it takes time to see fitness results, but
emotional rewards are instant. Sure it is easy to let the garbage in your head
rule and produce garbage outside of yourself but within your life but wouldn't
you rather put the positive around you to work and reap those rewards? I know
that is what I want and that is what I will get.
Add
Comment
Have
some Pride!!! 06/26/2011
0
Comments
Happy
Pride!! This week-end was pride week-end in St. Louis for the LGBT community.
Sarah and I didn't get to go this week-end but we were there in spirit. For
those of you who do not know what pride is, it is a big celebration of LGBT
people....in other words, a big gay celebration..Lol! The month of June is
pride month all over the world for LGBT people. It is a time for a diverse
group of people to come together and celebrate the diversity between them as
well as one part that makes them all the same. Every year in St. Louis, Pride
grows larger and larger. It is really a beautiful thing to see so many couples
and families sharing time together without having to worry about the dagger
filled stares of judgement or the hateful words tearing down love. Also every
year, there are protesters who try to "convert" the gays to their way of
thinking and away from who we are born to be. These protesters are no better
than Westboro Baptist Church as they can say hateful and hurtful things to
loving couples right in front of their children. It would be easy to get hung
up on what these people say and do and the negative things they say in do in
front of families about values when they are the ones who are spewing such hate
and bigotry in front of children. However, for me, it is more important to
focus on the love between people and the positive feeling that flow through the
air during Pride. People will always try to bring people down. In fact, it
seems the more positive someone is, the more others try to bring negativity
into your life. The fact of the matter is, you can choose to let the negative
in and affect you or you can choose to focus on the positive and have some
PRIDE!! Pride is for everyone....love is for everyone.....that is what I
choose!! Happy Pride everyone!
Add
Comment
Yes
I am fat...today anyway!! 06/24/2011
0
Comments
Yes, I'm fat. However, I'm not as fat today as
I was yesterday and I will less
fat tomorrow. Lol! It is kind of blunt to
explain it that way but it's the
truth. Sometimes the truth hurts.
Sometimes no matter how hard we work and how
much work we know we have
done, no one else appreciates it or can see or
understand it. But, as far
as my healthy journey goes, it is just like anything
else, if I am doing it
for others, I am doing it for the wrong reasons. It is
nice to get
compliments and encouragement when you are making positive changes
in your
life but they cannot be necessary in order for you to keep going
forward.
Today, I was running late getting home from the gym. I had a GREAT day
at
the gym today. I just felt so good when I left. When I got home, I walked in
and said hello to my lovely ladies with a huge smile and ready to start the
day
in a positive way. I was met with a verbal chewing because of some
miscommunication this morning. So my wife was yelling at me, my kid was
running
around like a crazy child because everyone was waiting on me and I
threw off the
schedule....not to mention everyone was hungry and couldn't
eat until after the
doctor's appointment we were running late for. So, my
choices were to let this
entire debacle ruin my day or to swallow some
pride, apologize, and make nice
with my family. So, I did. I still feel
great about my workout this morning,
and I feel great about my food choices
today and I feel great about my family.
Life gives us situations and we
can make choices how to react. Those reactions
can ruin a moment or ruin a
day, it is all about attitude. I am full of
negative thoughts and
reactions, but I am also full of positive thoughts and
reactions. I can
choose to look at things in a way that will enhance my day or
look at
things in a way that will destroy it. I can obsess that I am still fat
or
I can pat myself on the back for the hard work I have done and will continue
to do everyday. I want a happy life with an abundance of love and peace.
So,
that is what I choose, love and peace.
This is your new
blog post. Click here and start typing, or drag in elements from the top
bar.
Add
Comment
Victim
to Survivor 06/24/2011
0
Comments
Let's talk about victims. There are those in
life who will let one or two things
weigh them down for the rest of their
lives. Then there are those who will not
even tolerate the word victim in
their vocabulary. It is unrealistic to say you
have never been victimized.
Everyone has had some sort of trauma in their life.
What may seem like a
trivial trauma to one person can be an overwhelming trauma
to another.
While in graduate school I worked at a hospital that treated people
specifically for psychological trauma. One of the things we tried to teach
clients was not to compare traumas. It does not help the victim to compare
his/her trauma to another person's trauma, so really, what is the point? It
is
no fun to live the life of a victim. Living in fear, isolating oneself
to stay
protected, paranoia, not trying anything so as not to fail, being
controlled by
a past experience; none of these are a way to live. Believe
me, it really is not
the way you want to live. I understand and believe
that traumatic events take
time to process and you have to let yourself go
through emotions in order to
heal properly. However, in processing through
those events it is important to
begin to use empowering words. People used
to tell me, you have to just think
positive and push through it all. This
used to make me angry and frustrate me.
It is true to a point and it is
easier said than done. If you are homeless,
broke and alone, telling you to
think positive is insensitive and callous. But,
letting you sit in your
box, with empty pockets by yourself for 10 years (unless
you just want to)
is also insensitive and callous. Everyone has potential and
everyone has
the ability to be their best. Trauma changes your brain, but that
does not
mean it cannot be changed again and into a positive direction. I could
let
things in the past continue to affect my present and my future, or I can
challenge the negative thoughts, let negative comments roll off my back, or
if I
am really hurt, move past my fear and actually communitcate my fears
to the one
that hurt me. I choose to use the word "won't" instead of
"can't," because if
I am willing, I can do anything. It may not happen in
an instant, but I can do
it.
Add
Comment
Being
Positive doesn't mean you Don't Have Opinions 06/24/2011
0
Comments
I
have always had opinions. I was probably born with a distinct opinion on what
diapers I liked and what baby clothes I would wear (Obviously I can't know
that
for sure, Lol). Anyway, I have opinions. STRONG opinions. Yes, I
would like
everyone to agree with my opinions, but they do not. Here comes
the positive
attitude and the difficult part. I have to believe that just
because someone
disagrees with my opinion, even if it is regarding
something deeply personal to
me, does not mean that I cannot be their
friend or that it is a personal attack
towards me. As I said in my
previous post, I am a lesbian. Being a lesbian in
small town middle America
is not easy. It is not widely accepted by many and in
fact, many people
have grand opinions on it all. When people comment that I
live in sin, or
indicate that my life is "just a phase" or that my family is not
real
because, "it isn't what god ordained," I get my feelings hurt and I get
angry. These are all valid emotions and one could see how I might feel
personally attacked. One who is extremely understanding might even
understand
why I go on the defense before I even speak to a Christian.
But, me shutting
those people out of my life completely for not believing
the way I do is not any
better than those who shut me out of their life
because I am a lesbian. I
believe my family should be equal in this
country and I believe I should be able
to marry Sarah without a few
religious people attacking me saying I am a part of
the downfall of our
society or I am a child molester or that I want to "recruit"
children to
become gay. It is fine with me for people to have their religious
beliefts
and live by them to their heart's desire. But what is not fine for me
is
for one person's religion to dictate one life for me. I could go into all
the problems with religion and holy books and the manipulation of those
books
but that will accomplish nothing. Just as no one is going to change
my mind,
most of the time, my debate is not going to change anyone else's
mind either.
It would be nice if everyone could just live in harmony and
accept each other
for who they are but everyone is different and everyone
has opinions and
everyone's opinions were formed by their life experiences
and their collected
knowledge. It would be easier to just surround myself
with people who believe
just like me and value all the things I value but
that sounds boring. That
sounds like I would be missing out on knowing a
lot of great people. I can
accept parts of people and overlook our
disagreements. My friend Laura has
taught me a lot about this. Laura is a
Christian woman with very conservative
beliefs. She believes that god only
ordained man and woman for each other. When
Laura and I met and hung out
the first time, she bluntly stated her beliefs and
said, there, now that
that is out of the way, let's go have some coffee. She
loves and cares
about me, Sarah and our daughter. She recognizes us as a family
and treats
Sarah and I well. She acknowledges both of us as our daughter's
parents and
even acknowledges Sarah and I as a relationship. I know how she
feels about
us in terms of religion but I also know that she does not think of
us as
being unequal to her and her family. If Sarah and I were to be able to
legally marry in this state, Laura would not come. I can understand that.
It
hurts, but I understand it. Sarah and I want to be recognized by
government not
church but I can still understand those who have principles
and need to stand on
them. Realizing that people can have opinions and
values different from each
other while still being able to forge great and
meaningful relationships is
definately a postive that I can stand by. So,
yes, I have opinions and a lot of
them are in regards to politics and
religion...two things people usually feel
very passionate about, but, I can
have these opinions and value and care about
others and that, my friend, is
a very positive attitude and outlook. Have a
great day and keep on the
sunny side : )
Add
Comment
My
Story 06/22/2011
0
Comments
So,
this is my first time to ever blog. But, I feel like I have made a turn
in
my life and it would not be right if I didn't share it with people. I am
not sure where to start. Maybe I should start from the most negative place and
work my way forward. The lowest point in my life was 7 years ago. I was in
graduate school, had a job I loved and thought I was meant for, and was really
thought I
was headed in the right direction. At the same time though, I was
in therapy due
to compulsive self injury behavior related to
years of
sexual abuse. It all began to break me down and I ended up fleeing school and
my job and landed halfway across the country. My mental health decompensated
quickly and I quit eating, drinking and my self injurious behavior increased to
a dangerous level.
My friend, whom I went to hide with, talked to me and
said she could not keep me at her house any longer because she feared for my
health. So, I went to the hospital. They admitted me for 7 days. My parents
flew out to get me. The hospital released me into their care as long as they
were willing to take me another hospital when we got home. Needless to say,
they put me in the hospital when the got me home. I was in the hospital again
for another week. I was in and out of hospitals for 3 years after that. I have
been in therapy since that time. One of the biggest breakthroughs was coming to
terms with who I am. I was raised in pretty strict religious home. I was
taught to believe I had to be contrary to who I am in order to fit into my
family's religion. I thought I would not be loved or accepted for who I have
known I am. My parent's approval has always been extremely important to me and
I was
afraid to be true to myself and lose their love. My parents do not
support my "lifestyle decisions" but now I know that they love me and my
family. This has given me the security to be who I am without the fear of
abandonment and rejection. I also felt trapped by a god who would reject me
for who I am. I was in the church every time the door
was open when I was
growing up. God was shoved down my throat. My parents had good intentions but
for me, it just felt like more rigidness and one more thingto be hurt by. I am
not sure about god and religion because it is used by somany to control others.
I am not sure about religion because I studied it in college and realize that
there is room for errors in translation. There is room for people to manipulate
it and use it to further an agenda and
harm others that do not think like
them, live like them, or come from another culture different than theirs.
Another thing that kept me down, was not being honest about being a lesbian. I
have known almost my whole life, but tried and tried to push it away for fear
of being abandoned and hated. But I have since learned that if I am not true
to myself it adds to the sickness. I am OUT. I have been OUT for 6 years. My
partner and I have been together for 6 years. Our first few years together were
difficult because of my mental health issues but I am truly who I
am and I
am truly in love with my partner. We have a daughter who is 7. I knew I wanted
to be the
best mom I could be. I knew that meant getting control of my
mental health and getting control of my life all together. Not to mention the
love my fiance and our daughter just catapaults me. A year ago, I made a
decision. I made a decision to journey towards health. Not just physical
health, but mental and emotional health too. My fiance and I began eating
whole food and started working out at a local gym. I started doing Zumba. It
was so fun and full of all different levels of health. I have kept with it
too. I have lost 60 pounds and my blood pressure is so much better. My energy
is through the roof. For years, I have had no energy. My preference has been
to stay away from people and just stay at home. I would push myself for my
daugher's sake but if she wasn't around, I was down. My attitude, as I used to
put it, was one of a "realist." When actually, I just was always
waiting
for the bottom to drop out. Now, I am choosing to live. Of course I will
struggle against the negative thoughts and feelings that came from my past, but
I am going to make a conscious effort to choose my feelings
and my attitude
every second of the day. There are sad and depressing things that happen,
things that are difficult, but what make a person who they are is how they
choose to handle it. It may not always be done quickly, it may take time, it's
taken me 7 years to feel strong again, but it can be done. It is a choice. Two
things I leave you
with today..... you can choose your feelings and in the
words of Rhonda, "what you say is true." That's all for now. I hope you enjoy
reading this and will return
to read it periodically.
Add
Comment
I
Am So Stupid Sometimes 06/21/2011
0
Comments
How many times
have you said this to yourself? I used to say it all the time and still, I
catch myself saying it every now and then. It really is something that can
just roll off of the tongue. A good example might be this blog. I just figured
out this evening that I was posting my blog wrong. It is frustrating since I
have like four or five blogs on the home page but I have never blogged before
and didn't know exactly what I was doing. I am trying to teach myself to be
kinder to myself though and that being hard on myself, especially for petty
things, is what made me a "negative Nancy." I've seen my daughter make a
simple mistake and get so frustrated with herself and say such mean things to
herself. I do not want that for her. I want her to know and see how awesome
she is and the best way for me to encourage her to do that is to do it for
myself. Our children are our little sponges, mirrors and parrots. So the next
time you catch yourself getting all pissed off with yourself and are berating
yourself, ask yourself if you would want someone else saying those things to
your child or worse, would you want to hear your child saying those things to
herself.
Create a free
website with Weebly