Sometimes I come to blog not knowing what I want to say but just knowing I have something to say. Sometimes I feel very insignificant. Sometimes I feel used and sometimes I feel a little bit paranoid about what people think of me or want from me. Today, I was in a room full of people and felt like no one really saw me. It was a feeling of hollowness. I could hear everyone and see everyone but it felt as though everyone was looking past me or around me. I hate that feeling. I want people to like me and to want to be around me. You know that feeling when you felt like you have made a mistake with someone but you just can't take back the consequences of what you did? That is the feeling I had today....but I didn't do anything to anyone, at least not intentionally. I think everyone wrestles with significance sometimes. I think everyone wonders about their place in this world and how will this or that work out and does this or that person like me. Honestly though, who can keep up with all of that. I know that a lot of these feelings of significance and paranoia come from a place of abuse for me. But this knowledge helps me to challenge all of those feelings and to remind myself that I have a lot to be grateful for. I am thankful for waking up this morning and a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to put on, a car to drive to the gym where I can exercise and feel all those endorphines. I am grateful for a loving family: immediate, extended and all. I am not perfect and I have daily struggles just like the next person but I can choose each moment to remind myself of the people in my life who love me, the struggles I have fought and come through stronger, that I matter in this life. And even if I FEEL like I don't matter in a room FULL of people, I do!! I matter to me, I matter to Sarah, I matter to Brennah and my parents. I matter to extended family as well as friends. I even matter to my pets. I am important and I am grateful for that. The same goes for you my friend. In this moment, you may not feel like you matter but I can promise you, you matter to me. I am grateful each and everyday for you and the place you have in my heart. Thank you for your significance in my life. YOU matter!! <3
Thanks so much for this. I have waited a few days for your blog and now it gives me more inspiration to try to cope and move on, even though its so hard for me to do so.
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My name is Melissa. I live in small town middle America with my awesome and loving partner and our beautiful daughter.