Today was a good day! It wasn't an exceptionally special day really, it was just a good day! This morning I faced a fear I have been putting off for over 6 years. This morning I did EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). EMDR is used to help quickly process traumatic events by bringing up a picture of the event and beliefs due to the event and dealing with them in a safe manner and then reprocessing your mind to deal with it more effectively. It kind of borders on hypnosis. I have been scared for so long to face the pictures and memories of my past. But today, I pushed through some pretty ugly stuff. And I challenged the belief of being "dirty" and "unworthy." I walked safely throught some very ugly memories and I SURVIVED!!! Yes, it made my chest tight and my stomach hurt for a little bit, but I faced it and survived it and that is HUGE!! After all of that we went to a family bar bq and I got to see family that I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice to sit in the yard and listen to everyone visit and enjoy each other's company. On the way home, one of Brennah's friends called to see if she could come play, which she did. Sarah and I got to spend some quality time together doing yard work. Now, this may not sound like a "good day" or fun, but it was. We worked hard together and enjoyed each other's company while working to take down some pesky weeds and vines in the yard. You know, a lot of people think being gay or a lesbian is so wrong or so disgusting and "why do I care who you sleep with," but for us, we are just like everyone else. We love spending time together and flirting and playing around with each other and just being in each other's company. It's not about who we sleep with, it is about a relationship that is full of love and acceptance for each other and wanting to see each other succeed and fulfill dreams and being there to support each other. Then this evening, after Brennah got home a friend came over and brought her son to play with Brennah. They played until dark and we were all outside until the kids were too tired to play anymore. We got to know this new friend better and enjoy someone who got to know us as people before judging based on the opinions of others. I could focus on the icky parts of today: facing ugly pictures of the past, not getting to spend the whole day with our daughter, having to do yard work, and hearing a new friend telling us all the reasons why she was told not to be friends with us, but instead, I am going to focus on: facing and accomplishing something that in the past paralyzed me with fear, getting some quality time with my beloved, seeing Brennah enjoy some good outside playtime with her friend and getting to know a great new friend. I choose the good....today was a good,...no, today was a GREAT DAY!!
It is the time of year when we as Americans gather together with friends and family to eat, swim, and set off or watch fireworks as a way to celebrate the anniversary of our freedom. While laying in the pool today, relaxing in the sun, I began to think about the freedoms I enjoy. I began to think about the places I've been in this world that do not enjoy those same freedoms but enjoy a different kind of freedom. A few years back I had the opportunity to spend some time in West Africa to teach English and study culture. The people there are very poor, the poverty line is $1.25 a day. My first week there, I was overwhelmed by the people there. They were so friendly and happy. Some of these children were running around naked (this is the Sahara desert) and just seemed content and happy just the same. They did not have the things the children in the United States expect to have. They didn't have electricity so there was no tv, no gaming systems, and no internet. One of my favorite memories is a child came to my gate and asked me to come out to play with him. I looked at him and all he had was a bicycle tire and I thought, ok, this could be interesting. I went out to play with him and for at least an hour we rolled this tire along the road and laughed and laughed and laughed. But when we think of these children, we may think, how sad that they do not all have clothing and they do not have electricity so they can enjoy this or that...they are just trapped in the middle of the Sahara desert playing with bicycle tires. But nothing could be further from the truth. When I think of these children, I reminded that freedom is a state of mind. These children were free because they were not trapped by the thoughts many have by comparing themselves to other people. These childre were free because they did not have to rely on outside influences to know they were free. They are free because they believe in their mind that they are free. We are surrounded by influences and stimuli that can lead us to believe we have to do this or have to have that and have to believe this or have to behave in this way. But the fact of the matter is, the only thing we have to do, is free ourselves in our minds. I know, I know, easier said than done. But honestly, if I have a thought sneak in that could trap me, I try to capture that thought and challenge it. After that challenge, I have a choice. I can choose to live in that sneaky negative, worry inducing thought, OR I can choose to let it go and live in a state of happiness and FREEDOM!! I hope that you will choose your freedom and realize that you have the power within yourself and should celebrate each piece of freedom you gain in your life!!
Garbage in garbage out. I have heard several people use this phrase before and never really "got" it. I have a friend who likes to use the phrase, what you say is true and it really did not really click until recently. A good friend of mine recommended a book to me and I picked it up Monday and the book basically says this, the law of attraction is a LAW and like thoughts/actions/words all attract like thoughts/actions and words. So many times life seemed to be going along ok but I was always waiting for the bottom to drop out and inevitably it did. When my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and she had her surgery, in the back of my mind lurked the thoughts that it was worse then they were saying and then the thoughts just multiplied to all the things that could happen and how would I react if she died and what would happen to my dad if she died and what if, what if, what if. I tried to cover this up with describing these feelings as those of a realist. But, what I was really putting out there was all of this negative energy and it was negative energy my mom did not need nor want around her. We can always look at a situation with negative lenses or positive lenses. Probably the easiest and safest way to look at a situation is the negative way. It seems to take less energy to focus on the negative but the negative will always suck more energy out of you than it gives back. Whereas it may take more energy to initially focus on the positive, once you make the choice to behave, speak or think in a positive manner, the energy just pours out and flows constantly. I have a renewed love for working out but some mornings I wake up so tired and unmotivated to go to the gym. But, when I make the decision to go, once I get there, I reap instant reward. Sure it takes time to see fitness results, but emotional rewards are instant. Sure it is easy to let the garbage in your head rule and produce garbage outside of yourself but within your life but wouldn't you rather put the positive around you to work and reap those rewards? I know that is what I want and that is what I will get.
Happy Pride!! This week-end was pride week-end in St. Louis for the LGBT community. Sarah and I didn't get to go this week-end but we were there in spirit. For those of you who do not know what pride is, it is a big celebration of LGBT people....in other words, a big gay celebration..Lol! The month of June is pride month all over the world for LGBT people. It is a time for a diverse group of people to come together and celebrate the diversity between them as well as one part that makes them all the same. Every year in St. Louis, Pride grows larger and larger. It is really a beautiful thing to see so many couples and families sharing time together without having to worry about the dagger filled stares of judgement or the hateful words tearing down love. Also every year, there are protesters who try to "convert" the gays to their way of thinking and away from who we are born to be. These protesters are no better than Westboro Baptist Church as they can say hateful and hurtful things to loving couples right in front of their children. It would be easy to get hung up on what these people say and do and the negative things they say in do in front of families about values when they are the ones who are spewing such hate and bigotry in front of children. However, for me, it is more important to focus on the love between people and the positive feeling that flow through the air during Pride. People will always try to bring people down. In fact, it seems the more positive someone is, the more others try to bring negativity into your life. The fact of the matter is, you can choose to let the negative in and affect you or you can choose to focus on the positive and have some PRIDE!! Pride is for everyone....love is for everyone.....that is what I choose!! Happy Pride everyone!
Yes, I'm fat. However, I'm not as fat today as I was yesterday and I will less fat tomorrow. Lol! It is kind of blunt to explain it that way but it's the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes no matter how hard we work and how much work we know we have done, no one else appreciates it or can see or understand it. But, as far as my healthy journey goes, it is just like anything else, if I am doing it for others, I am doing it for the wrong reasons. It is nice to get compliments and encouragement when you are making positive changes in your life but they cannot be necessary in order for you to keep going forward. Today, I was running late getting home from the gym. I had a GREAT day at the gym today. I just felt so good when I left. When I got home, I walked in and said hello to my lovely ladies with a huge smile and ready to start the day in a positive way. I was met with a verbal chewing because of some miscommunication this morning. So my wife was yelling at me, my kid was running around like a crazy child because everyone was waiting on me and I threw off the schedule....not to mention everyone was hungry and couldn't eat until after the doctor's appointment we were running late for. So, my choices were to let this entire debacle ruin my day or to swallow some pride, apologize, and make nice with my family. So, I did. I still feel great about my workout this morning, and I feel great about my food choices today and I feel great about my family. Life gives us situations and we can make choices how to react. Those reactions can ruin a moment or ruin a day, it is all about attitude. I am full of negative thoughts and reactions, but I am also full of positive thoughts and reactions. I can choose to look at things in a way that will enhance my day or look at things in a way that will destroy it. I can obsess that I am still fat or I can pat myself on the back for the hard work I have done and will continue to do everyday. I want a happy life with an abundance of love and peace. So, that is what I choose, love and peace.
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Let's talk about victims. There are those in life who will let one or two things weigh them down for the rest of their lives. Then there are those who will not even tolerate the word victim in their vocabulary. It is unrealistic to say you have never been victimized. Everyone has had some sort of trauma in their life. What may seem like a trivial trauma to one person can be an overwhelming trauma to another. While in graduate school I worked at a hospital that treated people specifically for psychological trauma. One of the things we tried to teach clients was not to compare traumas. It does not help the victim to compare his/her trauma to another person's trauma, so really, what is the point? It is no fun to live the life of a victim. Living in fear, isolating oneself to stay protected, paranoia, not trying anything so as not to fail, being controlled by a past experience; none of these are a way to live. Believe me, it really is not the way you want to live. I understand and believe that traumatic events take time to process and you have to let yourself go through emotions in order to heal properly. However, in processing through those events it is important to begin to use empowering words. People used to tell me, you have to just think positive and push through it all. This used to make me angry and frustrate me. It is true to a point and it is easier said than done. If you are homeless, broke and alone, telling you to think positive is insensitive and callous. But, letting you sit in your box, with empty pockets by yourself for 10 years (unless you just want to) is also insensitive and callous. Everyone has potential and everyone has the ability to be their best. Trauma changes your brain, but that does not mean it cannot be changed again and into a positive direction. I could let things in the past continue to affect my present and my future, or I can challenge the negative thoughts, let negative comments roll off my back, or if I am really hurt, move past my fear and actually communitcate my fears to the one that hurt me. I choose to use the word "won't" instead of "can't," because if I am willing, I can do anything. It may not happen in an instant, but I can do it.
I have always had opinions. I was probably born with a distinct opinion on what diapers I liked and what baby clothes I would wear (Obviously I can't know that for sure, Lol). Anyway, I have opinions. STRONG opinions. Yes, I would like everyone to agree with my opinions, but they do not. Here comes the positive attitude and the difficult part. I have to believe that just because someone disagrees with my opinion, even if it is regarding something deeply personal to me, does not mean that I cannot be their friend or that it is a personal attack towards me. As I said in my previous post, I am a lesbian. Being a lesbian in small town middle America is not easy. It is not widely accepted by many and in fact, many people have grand opinions on it all. When people comment that I live in sin, or indicate that my life is "just a phase" or that my family is not real because, "it isn't what god ordained," I get my feelings hurt and I get angry. These are all valid emotions and one could see how I might feel personally attacked. One who is extremely understanding might even understand why I go on the defense before I even speak to a Christian. But, me shutting those people out of my life completely for not believing the way I do is not any better than those who shut me out of their life because I am a lesbian. I believe my family should be equal in this country and I believe I should be able to marry Sarah without a few religious people attacking me saying I am a part of the downfall of our society or I am a child molester or that I want to "recruit" children to become gay. It is fine with me for people to have their religious beliefts and live by them to their heart's desire. But what is not fine for me is for one person's religion to dictate one life for me. I could go into all the problems with religion and holy books and the manipulation of those books but that will accomplish nothing. Just as no one is going to change my mind, most of the time, my debate is not going to change anyone else's mind either. It would be nice if everyone could just live in harmony and accept each other for who they are but everyone is different and everyone has opinions and everyone's opinions were formed by their life experiences and their collected knowledge. It would be easier to just surround myself with people who believe just like me and value all the things I value but that sounds boring. That sounds like I would be missing out on knowing a lot of great people. I can accept parts of people and overlook our disagreements. My friend Laura has taught me a lot about this. Laura is a Christian woman with very conservative beliefs. She believes that god only ordained man and woman for each other. When Laura and I met and hung out the first time, she bluntly stated her beliefs and said, there, now that that is out of the way, let's go have some coffee. She loves and cares about me, Sarah and our daughter. She recognizes us as a family and treats Sarah and I well. She acknowledges both of us as our daughter's parents and even acknowledges Sarah and I as a relationship. I know how she feels about us in terms of religion but I also know that she does not think of us as being unequal to her and her family. If Sarah and I were to be able to legally marry in this state, Laura would not come. I can understand that. It hurts, but I understand it. Sarah and I want to be recognized by government not church but I can still understand those who have principles and need to stand on them. Realizing that people can have opinions and values different from each other while still being able to forge great and meaningful relationships is definately a postive that I can stand by. So, yes, I have opinions and a lot of them are in regards to politics and religion...two things people usually feel very passionate about, but, I can have these opinions and value and care about others and that, my friend, is a very positive attitude and outlook. Have a great day and keep on the sunny side : )
So, this is my first time to ever blog. But, I feel like I have made a turn in my life and it would not be right if I didn't share it with people. I am not sure where to start. Maybe I should start from the most negative place and work my way forward. The lowest point in my life was 7 years ago. I was in graduate school, had a job I loved and thought I was meant for, and was really thought I was headed in the right direction. At the same time though, I was in therapy due to compulsive self injury behavior related to years of sexual abuse. It all began to break me down and I ended up fleeing school and my job and landed halfway across the country. My mental health decompensated quickly and I quit eating, drinking and my self injurious behavior increased to a dangerous level. My friend, whom I went to hide with, talked to me and said she could not keep me at her house any longer because she feared for my health. So, I went to the hospital. They admitted me for 7 days. My parents flew out to get me. The hospital released me into their care as long as they were willing to take me another hospital when we got home. Needless to say, they put me in the hospital when the got me home. I was in the hospital again for another week. I was in and out of hospitals for 3 years after that. I have been in therapy since that time. One of the biggest breakthroughs was coming to terms with who I am. I was raised in pretty strict religious home. I was taught to believe I had to be contrary to who I am in order to fit into my family's religion. I thought I would not be loved or accepted for who I have known I am. My parent's approval has always been extremely important to me and I was afraid to be true to myself and lose their love. My parents do not support my "lifestyle decisions" but now I know that they love me and my family. This has given me the security to be who I am without the fear of abandonment and rejection. I also felt trapped by a god who would reject me for who I am. I was in the church every time the door was open when I was growing up. God was shoved down my throat. My parents had good intentions but for me, it just felt like more rigidness and one more thingto be hurt by. I am not sure about god and religion because it is used by somany to control others. I am not sure about religion because I studied it in college and realize that there is room for errors in translation. There is room for people to manipulate it and use it to further an agenda and harm others that do not think like them, live like them, or come from another culture different than theirs. Another thing that kept me down, was not being honest about being a lesbian. I have known almost my whole life, but tried and tried to push it away for fear of being abandoned and hated. But I have since learned that if I am not true to myself it adds to the sickness. I am OUT. I have been OUT for 6 years. My partner and I have been together for 6 years. Our first few years together were difficult because of my mental health issues but I am truly who I am and I am truly in love with my partner. We have a daughter who is 7. I knew I wanted to be the best mom I could be. I knew that meant getting control of my mental health and getting control of my life all together. Not to mention the love my fiance and our daughter just catapaults me. A year ago, I made a decision. I made a decision to journey towards health. Not just physical health, but mental and emotional health too. My fiance and I began eating whole food and started working out at a local gym. I started doing Zumba. It was so fun and full of all different levels of health. I have kept with it too. I have lost 60 pounds and my blood pressure is so much better. My energy is through the roof. For years, I have had no energy. My preference has been to stay away from people and just stay at home. I would push myself for my daugher's sake but if she wasn't around, I was down. My attitude, as I used to put it, was one of a "realist." When actually, I just was always waiting for the bottom to drop out. Now, I am choosing to live. Of course I will struggle against the negative thoughts and feelings that came from my past, but I am going to make a conscious effort to choose my feelings and my attitude every second of the day. There are sad and depressing things that happen, things that are difficult, but what make a person who they are is how they choose to handle it. It may not always be done quickly, it may take time, it's taken me 7 years to feel strong again, but it can be done. It is a choice. Two things I leave you with today..... you can choose your feelings and in the words of Rhonda, "what you say is true." That's all for now. I hope you enjoy reading this and will return to read it periodically.
How many times have you said this to yourself? I used to say it all the time and still, I catch myself saying it every now and then. It really is something that can just roll off of the tongue. A good example might be this blog. I just figured out this evening that I was posting my blog wrong. It is frustrating since I have like four or five blogs on the home page but I have never blogged before and didn't know exactly what I was doing. I am trying to teach myself to be kinder to myself though and that being hard on myself, especially for petty things, is what made me a "negative Nancy." I've seen my daughter make a simple mistake and get so frustrated with herself and say such mean things to herself. I do not want that for her. I want her to know and see how awesome she is and the best way for me to encourage her to do that is to do it for myself. Our children are our little sponges, mirrors and parrots. So the next time you catch yourself getting all pissed off with yourself and are berating yourself, ask yourself if you would want someone else saying those things to your child or worse, would you want to hear your child saying those things to herself.
My name is Melissa. I am in my 30s and live in small town America. I have an awesome and loving partner of 6 years and we have a beautiful daugther together.