my life and it would not be right if I didn't share it with people. I am not sure where to start. Maybe I should start from the most negative place and work my way forward. The lowest point in my life was 7 years ago. I was in graduate school, had a job I loved and thought I was meant for, and was really thought I
was headed in the right direction. At the same time though, I was in therapy due
to compulsive self injury behavior related to
years of sexual abuse. It all began to break me down and I ended up fleeing school and my job and landed halfway across the country. My mental health decompensated quickly and I quit eating, drinking and my self injurious behavior increased to a dangerous level.
My friend, whom I went to hide with, talked to me and said she could not keep me at her house any longer because she feared for my health. So, I went to the hospital. They admitted me for 7 days. My parents flew out to get me. The hospital released me into their care as long as they were willing to take me another hospital when we got home. Needless to say, they put me in the hospital when the got me home. I was in the hospital again for another week. I was in and out of hospitals for 3 years after that. I have been in therapy since that time. One of the biggest breakthroughs was coming to terms with who I am. I was raised in pretty strict religious home. I was taught to believe I had to be contrary to who I am in order to fit into my family's religion. I thought I would not be loved or accepted for who I have known I am. My parent's approval has always been extremely important to me and I was
afraid to be true to myself and lose their love. My parents do not support my "lifestyle decisions" but now I know that they love me and my family. This has given me the security to be who I am without the fear of abandonment and rejection. I also felt trapped by a god who would reject me for who I am. I was in the church every time the door
was open when I was growing up. God was shoved down my throat. My parents had good intentions but for me, it just felt like more rigidness and one more thingto be hurt by. I am not sure about god and religion because it is used by somany to control others. I am not sure about religion because I studied it in college and realize that there is room for errors in translation. There is room for people to manipulate it and use it to further an agenda and
harm others that do not think like them, live like them, or come from another culture different than theirs. Another thing that kept me down, was not being honest about being a lesbian. I have known almost my whole life, but tried and tried to push it away for fear of being abandoned and hated. But I have since learned that if I am not true to myself it adds to the sickness. I am OUT. I have been OUT for 6 years. My partner and I have been together for 6 years. Our first few years together were difficult because of my mental health issues but I am truly who I
am and I am truly in love with my partner. We have a daughter who is 7. I knew I wanted to be the
best mom I could be. I knew that meant getting control of my mental health and getting control of my life all together. Not to mention the love my fiance and our daughter just catapaults me. A year ago, I made a
decision. I made a decision to journey towards health. Not just physical health, but mental and emotional health too. My fiance and I began eating whole food and started working out at a local gym. I started doing Zumba. It was so fun and full of all different levels of health. I have kept with it too. I have lost 60 pounds and my blood pressure is so much better. My energy is through the roof. For years, I have had no energy. My preference has been
to stay away from people and just stay at home. I would push myself for my daugher's sake but if she wasn't around, I was down. My attitude, as I used to put it, was one of a "realist." When actually, I just was always
waiting for the bottom to drop out. Now, I am choosing to live. Of course I will struggle against the negative thoughts and feelings that came from my past, but I am going to make a conscious effort to choose my feelings
and my attitude every second of the day. There are sad and depressing things that happen, things that are difficult, but what make a person who they are is how they choose to handle it. It may not always be done quickly, it may take time, it's taken me 7 years to feel strong again, but it can be done. It is a choice. Two things I leave you
with today..... you can choose your feelings and in the words of Rhonda, "what you say is true." That's all for now. I hope you enjoy reading this and will return
to read it periodically.