This girl had a friend that called her "grey girl.." One time she sat in a room with cuts up and down her arms, her legs and even on her stomach. She had quit eating and had carved the word HATED on her arm. This girl had favorite words like: can't, tired, exhausted but also a LOT of silence. No friends, because she had pushed them all away. No future because she didn't feel she deserved one. No reason to live just waiting to die because she didn't feel worthy or capable. She sat in an observation room...locked in...scared...alone....no more tears to cry....flashes of abuse endured filled her mind with reasons not to go on......thinking of ways to end her life with the sheets on her bed.
I am sure you figured out this girl was me. My world was so dark. My life was filled with can'ts. My worth was...well, I felt I had none. I want to scream at people sometimes and say......I UNDERSTAND!! I KNOW WHAT DARKNESS IS!! I know people read my posts and think, "she has no idea what I've been through," or "ugh....she doesn't live in reality." But I do. I know what it is like to be in a complete world of darkness and not know how to get yourself out of it. I know how it feels to feel completely worthless, incapable, unworthy, defeated, and all of those negative feelings and words.
I made a choice though. I started with small steps. It happened over time. I had to make a big goal and then make small sustainable changes. Not just with weight loss but with everything. It started with a fake it until you make it. People like to throw around being fake. But sometimes, you have to fool yourself a little and there is no shame in that!! Then, one day I realized, I have worth...I believed what I was telling myself. I give myself challenges...small ones if they have to be....and then one day, it is a complete change. Sometimes thoughts try to creep back in there and sabotage but now, I have built defenses and have surrounded myself with positive people. I speak up for myself because I am worth it. I do my best to stay out of drama and be an encourager and a good listener. I want deep within myself to change people's lives. I want to take responsibility for myself, my life and my family. These are all things I never would have said 2 years ago. I have chosen not to live as a victim but a victor. Life is about choices. We can make excuses or we can make choices. We can feed or fears or we can feed our souls. I am full of life and love and feel grateful and want to pass it around to those around me. I am sincere and grateful and I am no longer grey girl : ) Thanks for reading and thanks for loving me!!