I want to talk about my own health journey. Struggling with my weight has always been an issue for me. I struggled with an eating disorder as a teen, frankly, I guess I have struggled with different ones throughout my life. I mean, I went through a starve, exercise, and binge thing when I was a lot younger. Then I have done yo yo dieting, compulsive eating and done probably every fad diet out there. A few years back, there were some circumstances in my life that spurred some big changes in mine. My mom got cancer, my dad was heavier than he had ever been and was starting a drastic diet to get his health under control, I had many health issues..too many for my age and emotionally, I had been released of some guilt which spurred a change in my mental and emotional health.
Many of you know about my journey of losing weight and becoming healthier. I joined a gym. I found fellow gym rats. I lost weight. I became licensed to teach. All of this, most of you know. I dealt with things in my life that had held me down and pushed me back and kept me in such dark places for a long time. I loved how strong I felt. I loved rediscovering the power within myself that had been taken and crushed so long ago. I pushed my body to points I didn't think possible.
However, over time, I became obsessed. I became obsessed with numbers on the scale, how my face looked in a picture. I would study my face, well all of me, in every picture I saw. I became obsessed with the pain of working out. If I wasn't sore enough, I didn't work hard enough...must. work. harder. I started to burn out. I would find little pick me ups a long the way, but overall, I started to burn out. My body was too. I started getting injured because I was doing too much. My body was fatigued and it was all becoming too much. Weight started to come back on and I didn't even care. Well, I did. Ask Sarah. I was constantly asking, do I look fat, is this bigger, is this smaller, can you tell how this looks. I was sinking into old patterns of obsession. I was sinking into old patterns of my worth being based on what others thought and how I looked. It is a hard habit to break. I had to put a stop to this. I had to back off. I was so injured that I could not participate in some of my classes. Be it my back, my knees or my ankles or bronchitis or pneumonia or strep, my body was rejecting all I was putting it through. I was not eating to live and I was not working out for health.
So, here I am. Heavier. I had to back off. I had to let myself go a bit. I had to release some control. I had to just be grateful for life and love and people. It isn't excuses. It is reality. I became to obsessed. I had to find balance. I have to rediscover self love through nurturing my body with food and exercise but not punishing it with food and exercise. I am worthy of love and I am worthy of good health and life. I do not have to be perfect and I have room for failure in my life. So, if I make goals, please don't laugh. Please don't scoff at those of us who may have to readjust or even start over. And if I become obsessed or rigid, please understand that I may relax a bit and just say to myself, it's okay. I may readjust my goals. I have to be in touch with why I do what I do. That is the only way change comes about. I have to be aware.
We are all just trying to live this life the best way we know how. Try not to get caught up in the b.s and try to love, encourage, and celebrate yourself and others. In the words of Ms. Jennifer Pastiloff, try not to be an asshole (to yourself or to others). It really is a good life motto, LOL!
I love you guys! Thanks for reading.