When you were a kid, do you remember when your brother, sister or best friend got something you wanted how you reacted? I remember how I reacted. The thing that I always wanted the most was to be treated and thought of by my parents the way I perceived they thought of my brother. I was a handful ( I know, surprising, right Lol). My parents put up with a lot from me, especially through my teenage years. My brother, on the other hand, was a pacifist. He was kind to all he met and never had a mean word to say to anyone. He always brought funny and nice to the table. He was an "easy" child, especially compared to me. I always wanted people to treat me the way they treated him but I couldn't get past all of the b.s. I always had to speak my mind whether it be to someone else or about someone else. There was a lot going on in my life at that time which jaded my perspective on interactions with people. Today sometimes I find myself leaning in the same direction, not with my brother, but with other interpersonal relationships. That need to be liked, that desire to please everyone, the need for people to understand me and want to be a part of my life is important to me. Everyday I have to check myself because my paranoia can get the best of me. For instance, on fb someone said something to someone else regarding something I am involved in and it came across that this person doesn't care about me like I thought they did. Maybe they don't, but my tendency is to go right to that thought. My insecurity shot through the roof immediately. However, I have learned that it is important to immediately challenge those negative perceptions. I know, I keep using the word: perception. The reason I use that is because a lot of times our experiences and our thoughts color the way we see our interpersonal interactions but it isn't necessarily the actual way things are. When I was a child, my parents loved me. They may not have loved me in the same way they loved my brother, but I was not and am not my brother. The most important thing for anyone to remember, including me, that it is most important for me to love me. People cannot love me if I don't love me and the same goes for you. People cannot love you if you don't love you....happiness and love starts from within. So, no matter what your perception is, be happy with who you are. It is a daily reminder for me, a daily affirmation that I am worthy of my own love and the love of others. So are you. Fall madly in love with you and you won't even need to worry about others. <3 <3 <3
So there is a website, I think I will not say the name of it, but there is a website where you can go read and post about anyone or anything in any specific town. You just type in your zip code and there you can read all the gossip you want about anyone that is listed there. If someone pisses you off, you could just go there and say whatever you want to about them. A friend of mine had someone post some vile things about him on there and he said to go to this site and check it out. So, I did. It was horrible. Why someone would feel the need to publically air out personal differences in a public forum is beyond me. Further though, even more disturbing, was a topic called "Black People." Now, it is no secret that where I live is full of proud redneck people. That is fine. You can be proud if you want to be proud of being a redneck. However, as I read this thread, just out of curiosity, I could NOT believe what I was reading. It is beyond me that racism still exists in this time. Why one race believes they are better than another, I just cannot comprehend. The even sadder thing is people hide behind these sites where they can remain anonymous and spout off such vile hatred. The users of this site realize it is inappropriate to make these statements, which is why they hide behind fake names, but they are not shy to put their true feelings out there when there is no accountability to who is making the statements. People made comments that the drug problem has worsened "since the blacks invaded." WHAT?? There were comments that the "blacks" should just "stay up North where they belong." It honestly makes my heart hurt and a little sick to my stomach to see these things written. Not only that, but people were just attacking them, saying they were nappy and disgusting. This is beyond me. Sarah and I have encountered some anti-LGBT people in this area. I wonder though, what is the point? Why spew this kind of hate and bigotry? I know that people who are insecure about things in their own lives are more likely to criticize others, but why say such hurtful things and why do it in a public forum where everyone can read it, laugh about it and share it with others. It may just seem like harmless words, but these are people. People that have feelings, families and a mom. We all have hearts, we all breathe the same air, we all live together on this planet. It is time for prejudice and racism and hate and bigotry to be gone. It is time for cowards to step forward and acknowledge their fears and get to know someone that might scare them before criticizing anything about them. There are enough bad things in life, why create more by hateful bigotry. So, I leave you with this....the next time you wish to criticize someone, whether it be race, sex, religion, sexual orientation or whatever, look within yourself and ask yourself; would you want the same treatment? Would you want the same stereotypes put on you? Act with love my friends....act with the best interest of others on your heart first. Peace <3
Sometimes I come to blog not knowing what I want to say but just knowing I have something to say. Sometimes I feel very insignificant. Sometimes I feel used and sometimes I feel a little bit paranoid about what people think of me or want from me. Today, I was in a room full of people and felt like no one really saw me. It was a feeling of hollowness. I could hear everyone and see everyone but it felt as though everyone was looking past me or around me. I hate that feeling. I want people to like me and to want to be around me. You know that feeling when you felt like you have made a mistake with someone but you just can't take back the consequences of what you did? That is the feeling I had today....but I didn't do anything to anyone, at least not intentionally. I think everyone wrestles with significance sometimes. I think everyone wonders about their place in this world and how will this or that work out and does this or that person like me. Honestly though, who can keep up with all of that. I know that a lot of these feelings of significance and paranoia come from a place of abuse for me. But this knowledge helps me to challenge all of those feelings and to remind myself that I have a lot to be grateful for. I am thankful for waking up this morning and a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to put on, a car to drive to the gym where I can exercise and feel all those endorphines. I am grateful for a loving family: immediate, extended and all. I am not perfect and I have daily struggles just like the next person but I can choose each moment to remind myself of the people in my life who love me, the struggles I have fought and come through stronger, that I matter in this life. And even if I FEEL like I don't matter in a room FULL of people, I do!! I matter to me, I matter to Sarah, I matter to Brennah and my parents. I matter to extended family as well as friends. I even matter to my pets. I am important and I am grateful for that. The same goes for you my friend. In this moment, you may not feel like you matter but I can promise you, you matter to me. I am grateful each and everyday for you and the place you have in my heart. Thank you for your significance in my life. YOU matter!! <3
Tonight my heart is heavy. Some of you may know, some of you may not, but Brennah is not my biological daughter. I had a hysterectomy when I was 26. I had some severe health problems and was advised after several surgeries that a hysterectomy was my best option. So, I have never given birth to my own child. I know several friends who either couldn't have children or lost children. I cannot wrap my head around the atrocities that are done to children all over the world. I definitely cannot wrap my head around parents hurting their own children. The stories in the news the past couple of days of mothers harming and even killing their children in unspeakable ways just really saddens me. Questions of humanity fill my heart and my mind and weigh heavy on me. I have worked extra hard in my workouts the past couple of days to deal with this saddness. However, as visceral and emotional as these stories make me, I am choosing to try to stay away from the news outlets who have grabbed onto these stories and run. I am choosing to believe that these children do not have to grow up in homes where they aren't loved and aren't taken care of. I have seen and intereacted with children all over this world, children who desire love; children who live in horrible situations and I am determined because of this and these recent stories in the news to love every child a little more when I come into contact with them and to protect the ones I can with all of my might. I am determined to protect and love my own daughter with every ounce of strength I have. Brennah can be very challenging but I would never ever ever trade it for anything in the universe. I Love her with all my might !! Give your kids and the kids close to you extra love tonight!! Do something a little special to give them just a little more love than they had yesterday. Never hold back with the ones you love. Peace my friends!! <3 <3 <3
I am grateful for a space to write my thoughts. I love being able to just share parts of my life and putting it out there for others to read. This is not a sarcastic statement, I am telling the truth. Many times I have thought about doing a blog and then I would think; well, who would really give a damn? Or, why should anyone care what I have to say? Or, even better, (this negative self talk used to plague my brain) isn't it quite arrogant to think anyone else gives a crap about what you have to say. Then, I started this journey. This journey hasn't been about just losing weight. It is more than that. The weight is the most visible thing to others, but there is so much more. I have said this throughout my blog, but my life was one big black hole and my pathway out of that could be the light and the beginning of someone else's pathway. I am in no way through with my journey as life is a constant journey of learning, living, changing and improving. But, I have managed to deal with some heavy things and to cast off some weight and move forward and I am indebted to share that with people. I could use the negative self talk and the fears as excuses to not share my journey with other people but I have a duty to share. More than that, I want to share. I am a born helper. I am pretty sure I always have been. There are certain areas of work that are "helper" jobs: Teachers, police, firemen, emt, paramedic, nurse, doctor, social worker, therapist, counselor are areas, just to name a few, that are "helper" jobs. These are the jobs I thought I belonged in. I have already tried to belong in a couple of those. However, due to past incidence, it is not in my best interest to participate in these jobs. So, I thought, what can I do? Then I began this journey and door after door opened up and the answer was revealed. I can motivate and inspire people. I can help people see that although their past was ugly and awful, your present and future do not have to be. Everyone has the strength within them to move forward and create the life they wish to have and I want my job to be to show people that. Some of you knew me in high school or before and have absolutely no idea what life was like for me after that (unless of course you believe all those small town rumors ; ) but it got pretty awful. Some of you met me in the midst of all that and some of you have met me only since I started this new journey. I am the same, but I have changed my way of thinking, I have changed my life. I have created the life I want to live in and continue to create that life by moving forward and focussing only on the positives. I want to challenge you to begin your day in a positive way. When you wake up, let the first thought in your head be, I am grateful I woke up. When you move to put your feet on the floor, be grateful that you have a floor to put them on and a roof to cover your head. You must find happiness and gratefulness in all things, no matter the situation. I know, believe me when I say, I KNOW it is not easy to do. But, if everything were easy, then everyone would be doing it. Make the decision for you, for your loved ones and choose your life. Love yourself enough to be grateful for you. Love. <3