It has been a while since my last blog, the holidays and my partner being home all the time kind of threw me off a bit. It is always nice to have everyone around and home but it does mess up the schedule and sometimes that is so difficult for me. Also, my schedule at the gym changed and trying to acclimate to that has been a little trying too. It will alllll work out though! I have pondered what to write about for the last few days and haven't really come to anything specific, except this. CHANGE. Ugh, it is a scary word for most people, but it can also be a word of adventure and a catalyst for new things to come. Negative Nancy would dig in her heals and be incredibly bitchy (yes, that's right, I used the b word) with change. However, as I contiually make a conscious daily effort to embrace the life of Positive Patty, I look at change with excitement or another way to enjoy the benefits of the chemicals your brain releases in scary unknown situations...you know, flight or fight!! .but my challenge to you is this: try something new that has scared you in the past..step out and let the fear fuel you instead of freezing you or pushing you backwards. YOU are WORTH the steps forward that it takes to get where you want to be, even if it is scary. There will be failures and I guarantee Negative Nancy will stick her head up, but challenge yourself with Postive Patty's attitude when NN comes around. Don't let that negative rule you, because if you let it, it surely will!!
So, it has come to my attention that I may need to clarify something about my last post. K and A in my post were both very significant parts of my life and we connected in our souls that is rare to get once, much less twice. However, we connected in a way that some sisters are connected. Sarah and I are connected on a deeper level and my heart bubbles over when trying to explain my relationship with her to others. We met at work. It was a difficult job where our relationship really had to be kept quiet and eventually caused me to lose my job. I was not healthy at the time we met but when our eyes met for the first time, my heart fell into my stomach. I had been at my job for a few weeks and I was sitting in my office when I saw this girl, bouncing down the hallway with a huge grin on her face. She poked her head in my office looking for the other case manager. She said in a sassy voice, "Who are you?" And I looked at her with insulted eyes and said, "I'm Melissa, who are you?" Inside though, my heart skipped. I knew she and I would be spending a lot of time together from that point on. We connected immediately. I never had to grow to love Sarah. I did have to get past my own fears and my own insecurities to accept her love and give her the love that she deserves. I caused pain for her but I love that I get to spend the rest of my life making up for it and loving her just as much as she loves me. I adore Sarah. Our lives were meant to intertwine. The connection and the understanding we have with each other runs deeper than the greatest depths of the ocean. She has held me up when I thought no one even cared to, she has been angry for me and sad for me when I didn't have one more tear to cry....she showers me with love and adoration in ways I never comprehended I deserved. She believed in me when I could not muster the strength. I cannot understand this love she gives me, but I gratefully accept it and hope she feels me giving it back to her. I know people have religious reasons for believing our love is wrong or "an abomination," but I honestly do not see how this can be an abomination. I could get into translations and greek meanings to defend our love, but the only thing that I want people to understand is that we are two people who have fallen in love and love each other with our complete lives. This world is full of enough hatered and disregard for others, I only want to advocate love. I Love Her and She is Definitely IT!! Tell the ones you love that you love them and never let a day go by where they feel insignificant or worthless.
Life sometimes brings us to a point where it is important to reflect and attempt to right some wrongs. I have made it no secret that, mostly due to abuse and supressing my true self, I have suffered and endured mental illness along this life's road. Severe mental illness truly takes a hold on a person's life. It can darken your soul to the point that there really seems no way out. While enduring this, the person with the mental illness tends to take casualities along with them. I know I certainly did a lot of damage, some unfortunately irreversable.
K -- you are the first person I would like to openly and in as public as this forum is (or isn't, I guess) apologize to. You and I had kindred spirits from the first moment we met. You saw things in my soul that no one had ever seen or at least acknowledged to me before. You held my hand through some of the darkest times in my life. You were there when my dreams fell to pieces, worrying and loving me even as I caused you pain. We no longer speak because of the pain I caused. I understand, I really do. I understand that you must protect yourself from the "gray girl" who spiraled out of control and then left you holding your heart in your hand. I am sorry...so very very sorry. Today, I was thinking of you and wondering how life has gone for you. I am sending out energy to you my friend and am grateful for the times we had together, the road trips we took, the singing in your car and just sitting with you.
A -- I don't even know where to begin with you, A. You literally saved my life. I met you in one of the most beautiful places in this country. You and I had souls that were drawn to each other the instant we met. I met you and I began to understand who I was, who I still am. The life you had endured mirrored mine and I felt immediately connected to you and still feel that connection to you. I know we don't speak anymore, but I know there are days when our souls call out to each other. I always know when you are thinking about me...it is rarity to find that kinship. I know that I put too much on you and I know that it affected you to see me that way. I know that you were sick because of me. I'm so sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. Somedays, like today, I long to know that you are ok,,...that your life is everything you dreamed of and that you are living the happiness you know in your heart you deserved but never thought you would find. I am grateful for you and to you. I am remembering the days of being snowed in, drinking tea, sitting looking at the Grand Tetons and talking for hours. I hope you are well, friend.
Mom and Dad -- I love you both so much. I think saying I was a "handful" as a child and young adult is quite an understatement. I know I put you both through so much and you endured some of your scariest moments with me and/or because of me. I know that my life probably isn't what you pictured for me but you both have shown me so much love and acceptance and I love you both so much for it. I cannot apologize enough for the pain I've caused you but I hope that each day you become a little more proud of who I am now.
S -- my life is complete with you in it. Our life together began at such a weird place for both of us. We were both going through so much at the time and you were an intricate part of me surviving.I am so sorry for all that you have had to endure at my hand. You and B have given me so much. I am beyond grateful for you both. But I am head over heals in love with you and that is something I never thought would happen for me. You are the reason it happened. You endured such pain with me....crying with me, holding me, and listening. I cannot tell you how much that in and of itself grew my heart for you. I love you and I am more than grateful for you and our life together.
It is never a bad time to remember, reflect and apologize if necessary. Making the choice to live each day grateful gives you a happier and more enjoyable life. If you live with mental illness, you can make a choice, even if it is by the second to be grateful for the simplist of things. If you live with mental illness you can make a choice, even if it is by the second, to be kind and gentle with yourself and to those around you. We all make choices everyday that affect us and those around us. Try to take some time to reflect on those choices, be grateful for the positives and try to correct the negatives. <3 Peace my friends
Have you ever seen the movie, What About Bob? Totally one of my favorite movies of all time. In case you haven't seen it, just a little back info about the movie. Bob is a goofy, unassuming yet neurotic and anxiety ridden man. His psychiatrist has had his fill with Bob and quits the business transferring him to a seemingly self made and highly successful psychiatrist, Dr. Leo Marvin. Dr. Leo agrees to meet Bob for an interview prior to his vacation. When Bob presents to Dr. Leo, he presents completely out of sorts and invents having touretts, an intense fear of dying, anxiety about germs and going down the elevator. Dr. Leo gives Bob a copy of his book called, Baby Steps. Dr. Leo tells Bob to not think about leaving the building but to just take Baby Steps and think about getting to the office door and stepping into the waiting room. Then, Dr. Leo encourages Bob to think about just making it from the waiting room to the hallway and from there to the elevator and from there to the building lobby and from there to the door etc. Eventually Bob becomes so good at Baby Steps he is able to get on a public bus and go to the doctor's vacation spot, push his way into his family, sail (I'm sailing, I'm sailing), and evenutally drive the doctor completely and totally insane. My point (no I am not encouraging you to drive others to the brink of insanity) is Bob, through baby steps, was able to make great strides in his entire life. He found mental strength, physical strength, opened his heart to love and eventually became a very successful psychiatrist himself. Now, I know I know, you are all saying...yeah, he was able to do this, it is a movie. However, this is a totally possible scenario (well, generally speaking anyway). People always ask me, how I am able to lose weight and how do I exercise and tell me they are so afraid of the gym for one reason or another...so here is the answer....baby steps. When I started my health journey, I just cut portions and went to diet soda. After a while, I gave up red meat and went to lean turkey and chicken. Then, after that, I increased water and cut down the amount of diet soda I drank. Eventually I gave up soda altogether. I cut out smoking after 6 months on my health journey. The new year will bring me to another step and that is cutting out meat all together (this is a personal choice and I do not advise it for anyone...make that choice for yourself : ) The gym was kind of the same story. I started with Zumba. It was a fun way to start at the gym and I really burned A LOT of calories. When I started Zumba I was so big that I could really only move side to side to the beat and I stood in the very back corner. Over time, I became able to really move my hips, my feet, all of me really and then I was REALLY burning calories. Then I decided to start adding other things at the gym. I didn't do it all at once though; a class her and a class there. Now, I teach classes and am working on getting AFAA (Aerobics and Fitness Association of America) certified. Who knew that I would go in this direction? Who knew anyone would really care to read about it. I started this journey out with a very large goal in mind (still have that huge goal) but I knew if I took everything away from myself at once, I was setting myself up for failure. I had an excuse for everything and used them to my advantage but that is part of what kept me so overweight and so out of shape. I used food for other reasons that to fuel my body. I had to make small changes physically and mentally and will have to continue to do so in order to reach my ultimate goal. My point in this long rambling is this, your first step will be your most difficult but make that step. Make an overall goal for yourself and then set very small goals so you can feel victory over and over again and gain more and more confidence. You can do anything, ANYTHING you set your mind to. I believe it you and I will continue to believe in you until you can and will believe in yourself. Don't sell yourself short, you have so much to offer to this world and the world is waiting to experience YOU!!
You know the old saying, "misery loves company?" It is totally true. Before I changed my life, including my attitude, I didn't want to be around positive people. They got on my nerves. In fact, I thought, these people are living on a cloud and have never experienced any hurt or pain in their lives. I thought, if they had, there is no way they would live on this positive plane. But then, one day, something changed in me. I made the decision, the CHOICE, that life is short and I would much rather live it to the fullest with happiness in my heart rather than negativity and cynicism. When I was in Africa, I saw people, children, in the worst conditions I could imagine. Let me describe some: sleeping on pieces of wood tied together to make a bed, flies and bugs crawling on them while they slept, drinking water that they also washed their clothing in and bathed their animals in and eating whatever they could get their hands on. When I worked in New Orleans, I saw children who lived through horrid circumstances. For example, a child came to after school club and was sitting at the table coloring a bright happy picture and humming a song. I said, hi Vincent!! You sure are singing a pretty song. He knodded and smiled to show me his picture. He asked me after if I would walk him home and I did. As I walked him up to the door his mother came out and asked me if I had had behavior problems with Vincent that day. I replied that I hadn't and it was a good day. She smiled and said she was glad because his father had been shot and killed in a drive by the night before and she was worried he would act out because of it. The next day I took Vincent for ice cream to talk to him about it. He sat there enjoying his ice cream and my heart was breaking for him. I gently brought up the subject and he said, I'm ok, I'm the man of the house now. Of course he missed his father and he was heart broken and he will have deal with that loss but at that time, that didn't rule his life. Since I have changed my life and my attitude, I have had people NOT want to be around me because of it. They say things like, not everyone is like you; not everyone can just make the choice to behave this way or that. I say to you, YES they can!! YES YOU can!! I have reasons to not believe in positivity, I have reasons to be bitter and angry and hold grudges if I want. But that negative energy just feeds off of your soul and swallows up any bright spots. In that life, my pleasure came from cynicism and tearing people down and that is not the life I want for myself, nor is the life I want for my friends. We all have choices on how to behave. YES, things are going to happen that cause negative feelings, but what makes or breaks us is how we choose to deal with those negative feelings. Will you choose to turn the negative into a positive or will you choose to feed more negative with the negative. The children and adults I had the ultimate priviledge to work with in Africa taught me many things (which is ironic since I was there to teach them). One thing tha has always stood out for me is the life they led and how they lived it. They have NOTHING!! Seriously, no electricity, no running water, no "grocery stores" or Walmart, not even a clock. And they were happy. One of my most favorite pictures that I took in Africa was a picture of a child (in the pic you cannot tell she doesn't have any clothing on) with a pair of torn underwear in her mouth. She had NOTHING but this child was a bright spot in my life while there. I was home sick so bad the first week I was there and playing "jump rope" (I use quotations cause it was with a very long piece of string) with this child made ME so happy and she had a blast too. She didn't care about the newest dolls or newest barbie or a ds or an xbox. She was happy with anything because she made that choice to be happy with anything. I could apologize to those "friends" who have no desire anymore to be around me because I am positive, but I am not going to apologize for choosing a real life. I am sad at the loss of these friends, but I am not giving them the power to ruin my day or my life because they don't want to be around me. I do have problems and things that initiallly worry me, but I am not going to let that run my life or my attitude. I want to be a person of encouragement or love and joy and PEACE. Peace had never been a constant in my life, but it is now and I plan to keep it that way. I hope you will too because there really is no better way to live. Make the choice people and choose to keep your life in the positive. I will still love you if you don't and I will be there for you if you need me, but be prepared for me to hug you, encourage you and then ask you.....how can we choose to make this a positive situation?? I Love you all!! <3
When you were a kid, do you remember when your brother, sister or best friend got something you wanted how you reacted? I remember how I reacted. The thing that I always wanted the most was to be treated and thought of by my parents the way I perceived they thought of my brother. I was a handful ( I know, surprising, right Lol). My parents put up with a lot from me, especially through my teenage years. My brother, on the other hand, was a pacifist. He was kind to all he met and never had a mean word to say to anyone. He always brought funny and nice to the table. He was an "easy" child, especially compared to me. I always wanted people to treat me the way they treated him but I couldn't get past all of the b.s. I always had to speak my mind whether it be to someone else or about someone else. There was a lot going on in my life at that time which jaded my perspective on interactions with people. Today sometimes I find myself leaning in the same direction, not with my brother, but with other interpersonal relationships. That need to be liked, that desire to please everyone, the need for people to understand me and want to be a part of my life is important to me. Everyday I have to check myself because my paranoia can get the best of me. For instance, on fb someone said something to someone else regarding something I am involved in and it came across that this person doesn't care about me like I thought they did. Maybe they don't, but my tendency is to go right to that thought. My insecurity shot through the roof immediately. However, I have learned that it is important to immediately challenge those negative perceptions. I know, I keep using the word: perception. The reason I use that is because a lot of times our experiences and our thoughts color the way we see our interpersonal interactions but it isn't necessarily the actual way things are. When I was a child, my parents loved me. They may not have loved me in the same way they loved my brother, but I was not and am not my brother. The most important thing for anyone to remember, including me, that it is most important for me to love me. People cannot love me if I don't love me and the same goes for you. People cannot love you if you don't love you....happiness and love starts from within. So, no matter what your perception is, be happy with who you are. It is a daily reminder for me, a daily affirmation that I am worthy of my own love and the love of others. So are you. Fall madly in love with you and you won't even need to worry about others. <3 <3 <3
So there is a website, I think I will not say the name of it, but there is a website where you can go read and post about anyone or anything in any specific town. You just type in your zip code and there you can read all the gossip you want about anyone that is listed there. If someone pisses you off, you could just go there and say whatever you want to about them. A friend of mine had someone post some vile things about him on there and he said to go to this site and check it out. So, I did. It was horrible. Why someone would feel the need to publically air out personal differences in a public forum is beyond me. Further though, even more disturbing, was a topic called "Black People." Now, it is no secret that where I live is full of proud redneck people. That is fine. You can be proud if you want to be proud of being a redneck. However, as I read this thread, just out of curiosity, I could NOT believe what I was reading. It is beyond me that racism still exists in this time. Why one race believes they are better than another, I just cannot comprehend. The even sadder thing is people hide behind these sites where they can remain anonymous and spout off such vile hatred. The users of this site realize it is inappropriate to make these statements, which is why they hide behind fake names, but they are not shy to put their true feelings out there when there is no accountability to who is making the statements. People made comments that the drug problem has worsened "since the blacks invaded." WHAT?? There were comments that the "blacks" should just "stay up North where they belong." It honestly makes my heart hurt and a little sick to my stomach to see these things written. Not only that, but people were just attacking them, saying they were nappy and disgusting. This is beyond me. Sarah and I have encountered some anti-LGBT people in this area. I wonder though, what is the point? Why spew this kind of hate and bigotry? I know that people who are insecure about things in their own lives are more likely to criticize others, but why say such hurtful things and why do it in a public forum where everyone can read it, laugh about it and share it with others. It may just seem like harmless words, but these are people. People that have feelings, families and a mom. We all have hearts, we all breathe the same air, we all live together on this planet. It is time for prejudice and racism and hate and bigotry to be gone. It is time for cowards to step forward and acknowledge their fears and get to know someone that might scare them before criticizing anything about them. There are enough bad things in life, why create more by hateful bigotry. So, I leave you with this....the next time you wish to criticize someone, whether it be race, sex, religion, sexual orientation or whatever, look within yourself and ask yourself; would you want the same treatment? Would you want the same stereotypes put on you? Act with love my friends....act with the best interest of others on your heart first. Peace <3
Sometimes I come to blog not knowing what I want to say but just knowing I have something to say. Sometimes I feel very insignificant. Sometimes I feel used and sometimes I feel a little bit paranoid about what people think of me or want from me. Today, I was in a room full of people and felt like no one really saw me. It was a feeling of hollowness. I could hear everyone and see everyone but it felt as though everyone was looking past me or around me. I hate that feeling. I want people to like me and to want to be around me. You know that feeling when you felt like you have made a mistake with someone but you just can't take back the consequences of what you did? That is the feeling I had today....but I didn't do anything to anyone, at least not intentionally. I think everyone wrestles with significance sometimes. I think everyone wonders about their place in this world and how will this or that work out and does this or that person like me. Honestly though, who can keep up with all of that. I know that a lot of these feelings of significance and paranoia come from a place of abuse for me. But this knowledge helps me to challenge all of those feelings and to remind myself that I have a lot to be grateful for. I am thankful for waking up this morning and a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to put on, a car to drive to the gym where I can exercise and feel all those endorphines. I am grateful for a loving family: immediate, extended and all. I am not perfect and I have daily struggles just like the next person but I can choose each moment to remind myself of the people in my life who love me, the struggles I have fought and come through stronger, that I matter in this life. And even if I FEEL like I don't matter in a room FULL of people, I do!! I matter to me, I matter to Sarah, I matter to Brennah and my parents. I matter to extended family as well as friends. I even matter to my pets. I am important and I am grateful for that. The same goes for you my friend. In this moment, you may not feel like you matter but I can promise you, you matter to me. I am grateful each and everyday for you and the place you have in my heart. Thank you for your significance in my life. YOU matter!! <3
Tonight my heart is heavy. Some of you may know, some of you may not, but Brennah is not my biological daughter. I had a hysterectomy when I was 26. I had some severe health problems and was advised after several surgeries that a hysterectomy was my best option. So, I have never given birth to my own child. I know several friends who either couldn't have children or lost children. I cannot wrap my head around the atrocities that are done to children all over the world. I definitely cannot wrap my head around parents hurting their own children. The stories in the news the past couple of days of mothers harming and even killing their children in unspeakable ways just really saddens me. Questions of humanity fill my heart and my mind and weigh heavy on me. I have worked extra hard in my workouts the past couple of days to deal with this saddness. However, as visceral and emotional as these stories make me, I am choosing to try to stay away from the news outlets who have grabbed onto these stories and run. I am choosing to believe that these children do not have to grow up in homes where they aren't loved and aren't taken care of. I have seen and intereacted with children all over this world, children who desire love; children who live in horrible situations and I am determined because of this and these recent stories in the news to love every child a little more when I come into contact with them and to protect the ones I can with all of my might. I am determined to protect and love my own daughter with every ounce of strength I have. Brennah can be very challenging but I would never ever ever trade it for anything in the universe. I Love her with all my might !! Give your kids and the kids close to you extra love tonight!! Do something a little special to give them just a little more love than they had yesterday. Never hold back with the ones you love. Peace my friends!! <3 <3 <3
I am grateful for a space to write my thoughts. I love being able to just share parts of my life and putting it out there for others to read. This is not a sarcastic statement, I am telling the truth. Many times I have thought about doing a blog and then I would think; well, who would really give a damn? Or, why should anyone care what I have to say? Or, even better, (this negative self talk used to plague my brain) isn't it quite arrogant to think anyone else gives a crap about what you have to say. Then, I started this journey. This journey hasn't been about just losing weight. It is more than that. The weight is the most visible thing to others, but there is so much more. I have said this throughout my blog, but my life was one big black hole and my pathway out of that could be the light and the beginning of someone else's pathway. I am in no way through with my journey as life is a constant journey of learning, living, changing and improving. But, I have managed to deal with some heavy things and to cast off some weight and move forward and I am indebted to share that with people. I could use the negative self talk and the fears as excuses to not share my journey with other people but I have a duty to share. More than that, I want to share. I am a born helper. I am pretty sure I always have been. There are certain areas of work that are "helper" jobs: Teachers, police, firemen, emt, paramedic, nurse, doctor, social worker, therapist, counselor are areas, just to name a few, that are "helper" jobs. These are the jobs I thought I belonged in. I have already tried to belong in a couple of those. However, due to past incidence, it is not in my best interest to participate in these jobs. So, I thought, what can I do? Then I began this journey and door after door opened up and the answer was revealed. I can motivate and inspire people. I can help people see that although their past was ugly and awful, your present and future do not have to be. Everyone has the strength within them to move forward and create the life they wish to have and I want my job to be to show people that. Some of you knew me in high school or before and have absolutely no idea what life was like for me after that (unless of course you believe all those small town rumors ; ) but it got pretty awful. Some of you met me in the midst of all that and some of you have met me only since I started this new journey. I am the same, but I have changed my way of thinking, I have changed my life. I have created the life I want to live in and continue to create that life by moving forward and focussing only on the positives. I want to challenge you to begin your day in a positive way. When you wake up, let the first thought in your head be, I am grateful I woke up. When you move to put your feet on the floor, be grateful that you have a floor to put them on and a roof to cover your head. You must find happiness and gratefulness in all things, no matter the situation. I know, believe me when I say, I KNOW it is not easy to do. But, if everything were easy, then everyone would be doing it. Make the decision for you, for your loved ones and choose your life. Love yourself enough to be grateful for you. Love. <3